Daaaayy five, in myyyyyy bidrooom… which, surveying the carnage, would put Tracey Emin's Turner shortlisted handiwork to shame (bar the presence of strewn prophylactics; I haven't the energy/a willing participant given my current appearance. But do you know what's even more unsettling than the fluids that keep flourishing? The realisation that Celebrity Big Brother is the pinnacle of my day. The beacon marking endless hours of background daytime TV (chortle over that morsel, Phil and Fern). Monday - the talent show. Tuesday - the personality swappage. Wednesday - a meerkat dressed as a bucktoothed jester. How will they ever top that tonight? Verne dressed as a titchey Lionel Richie?! *claps profusely sweating palms together rapturously*

But first, let's backtrack to LaToya's outfit. Head of house, Terraaay, was ordered to be King for a Day, which meant he could do nothing for himself. Thankfully Tina was at hand to bring his ciggies to his lips (she lives in the ashtray), Ben and Michelle wiled away two hours peeling grapes for him whilst cracking seedy jokes, and Coolio whizzed up whenever the king clanged his bell, screeching "YOU RANG?! I HEARD THE BEEELL!?" like Lurch on crack. Visually, the image of Terry being spun around on the back of Verne's mobility scooter, his royal cape billowing behind him was pure genius (I did mention I’m on a lot of meds right now). By far the most welcomed sight of all, however, was LaToya emerging from the diary room dressed as that jester. Not welcomed by me (nothing will top the MiniMeMobile), but by the housemates. The look of wanton relief on their pained faces, as it brought a sharpish end to the ballad Tina was crowing for his majesty's dubious pleasure.

The other point of particular enjoyment was when Patches McGregor (AKA Tommy, the Scottish politician who's mates with George 'good pussy' Galloway) made me feel sorry for Michelle Heaton - on a different level. First Michelle is worried how her boyfriend will perceive her friendship with A1 Ben, and now Patches feels he's also fit fodder for flirtatious rumours. It started with Michelle spinning Tommy around the kitchen to Nine To Five while the rest of the housemates cringed on. He murmured that perhaps the editors would make it look like something more than it was. She, quite rightly, told him to cop on and spun him around with gusto. If anything, it was a pity twirl - the kind you bestow upon an unmarried uncle past his prime, possibly at his younger brother's wedding. Tommy, who needs to familiarise himself with a mirror/any other available forms of reality, couldn't let his notion lie and brought it up again, telling Michelle she had to be careful - "cause ewe 'av a partnerrrgh an' aah 'av a parrrtneerrrgh". Michelle, curling slowly into the foetal position, tried to speak reason but he persisted… all the while easing his hand into a rubber glove. He relented momentarily, saying "Aye, maybe ahm jus' bein' shilly". Yes, and incredibly creepy, Patches.

It wasn't long before Michelle and Ben, in a state of innocent undress, joined Ulrika in bed to have a banter about Tommy's mania. No sooner had Ulrika joined the conversation that she flipped the topic towards herself and her entirely unfounded inflated ego, saying, "It's my opinion that proper politician's shouldn't be in a showbiz environment (good point, now here comes the seamless flip)… when I think of all the nice things I've said about Terry, all the nice things I've said about everyone in fact, and then to hear he thinks I've an inflated ego! *guffaws*" Ben saw a chink of conversation that was relevant and interjected with "Hey, at least you don't lack integrity", to which Ulrika replied: "You shouldn't take it personally, I certainly haven't"… Meanwhile, a clearly disturbed Michelle rocked herself back and forth, eyes darting towards the door. OK, I made that last line up, but seriously, Patches is becoming unhinged, get over yourself Ulrika.

Hang on, perhaps I'm being too harsh, as Ulrika has too mentioned being close to the brink, saying: "I'm not having a breakdown just yet - but it’s coming." She must really want to stay in. There's nothing the public like viewing more than a good breakdown. Lucy is employing the other obvious tactics to garner votes - saying she fancies Megan Fox *yawns* and responding affirmatively when Verne says things like: "Damn, you've got some pretty eyes. I feel like licking those eyes." That’s not the only offer Verne's plopped on the table, ladies. He also had this to say: "I know how to make a woman feel like a woman. I know the spot. I can be their best friend. I mean, I can make every girl here very happy. I can show you if you like." Michelle, Lucy and, (surprisingly given how much she bangs on about "deerrrrrteee sex") Tina declined the invitation.

Last Night's Highlights: Ulrika slapping Terry across the face while she was undressing him for his regal massage (he said something like "If this was ten year ago you"d…"and I couldn't catch the rest of it. It ended in either "lob". "gob" or "nob")… LaToya Jackson providing her own form of jestering while Terry was getting his oily rubdown, screeching: "Daaamn, why don't you have one of those girls on that table? Git one of them girls on that table! Coolio would nevah let this happen… Peace out". What we can expect tonight: Verne Troyer being consumed by an afro.