OK, everyone comfortable? Great. Let's begin.
James Franco had to be guided back to a film set by a horse. The actor "borrowed" one of the creatures for a ride during a break in filming new movie Child of God and left the crew panic-stricken when he failed to return after three hours.
However, James eventually returned to the West Virginia base just as search parties were setting out, and revealed he had had to get the horse to guide him back.
Because he was too stoned. Too stoned to use his phone even.
According to everyone's favourite rag, the National Enquirer, he told crew: "I've been wandering around for hours. If it wasn't for this horse I'd still be lost."
That was a lovely story from James, thank you. Before we move on to the tenuous gallery, here's another horsey related story thanks to Johnny Depp.
He claims he owes his life to one after he fell while filming The Lone Ranger, saying: "I'm lucky to be here. I've done a number of films on horseback and I've taken a couple of spills but this was a violent one. I had a good relationship with the horse, which was named Scout, and when I look at the tape I can see that Scout saved my life. I went down badly and I was dragged for 25 yards and in the end the horse just jumped over me and clipped me with his back legs."
Dragged for 25 yards and then clipped with some hind hoofs. Yep, Scout loved the bones of you, Johnny.
And to the Franco featured gallery. It wasn't for the premiere of Child Of God, it was the launch of something called Rebel at L.A.'s Museum of Contemporary Art. Hence why everyone's wearing sunglasses and are most concerned about how everyone looks.
To give it a bit of class, they've brought along the American version of Alexa Chung, and got Lady Victoria Hervey to get her arse bag underhang out. They even made Elizabeth Berkley hang out by the gates with her man friend as they suspected he appeared in Days of Our Lives. And Eli Roth couldn't be dealing with that.