'It's Not the Size of the Wand; It's the Magic in It'

Well, if size were comparative to magical content, Simon Webbe would be brandishing Gandalf's staff. True, neon yellow onesies and crotchular harnesses can only serve to highlight the area but, good Lord. Although, maybe it was just down to the snug yellow onesie; Joe didn't look nearly as swashbuckling (that's NEVER been done before...) as he did in his skinny Smurf suit he had to don the previous day... Am I just obsessed with crotches? Wouldn't anyone be with extreme close ups of Simon adjusting himself?! Hats off to you, ITV.

This series has been rammed with homoeroticism, which is nice. I didn't think anything could surpass George's wistful musings regarding the glistening, "sheen" Joe Swash's torso had during his Page Three tutorial with Nicola ("You look like a Brokeback Mountain sheep herder"). But then we were blessed with the site of Joe and Simon clinging to each other on a thick wire, sweating and breathing heavily, while encased in neon lycra. Again, ITV, kudos.

Sadly, for pervs like myself, Simon got the flick last night - bad news for him but, when you think about it, kind've good news for the public at large. It means he can submit his Celeb Jungle inspired song You Take Me Away (I hate to say it but it's a catchy b*st*rd) before David Van Day unleashes Biff Baff Boff on us. DVD no doubt asked Timmy to feel out potential labels. But the latter is probably too busy whooping constantly in hotel porters' faces, between crying in the corner of his plush room, gently tapping himself on the head with his mallet.

But back to the homoeroticism - we've got David to thank for today's titular quote (I can't recall what it was in reference to, as was washing dishes at the time, but I think it had something to do with the less than complimentary temperature of their bathing pool), and Simon's exit interview to thank for this: "I didn't see that David was honest. He touched my buttons after he came in." Simon, you and your freakishly perfect features will be missed.

George and Martina will be in the final two tonight, with former leaving... I think...