Before you start the celebrations - we're not doing a Big Brother on it. Why? Because I happen to do stuff in the evenings, I don't have a recording device and am still pretty much wallowing in the Dark Ages when it comes to digital (only have the smallest NTL bundle... SKY + is but a distant dream for now). Channel 4 was good enough to repeat Big Brother of a morning so I could snarl at the TV from the comfort of my bed, but no such luck with TV3/UTV. Instead, we can regurgitate the contents of any press releases sent our way through the course of the series.

At the risk of being exposed as a SEVERELY lazy soul, here are the contestants in order of importance, *ahem*, as seen in our TV highlights for yesterday... What?! I'm a busy person! 10: Lynne Franks (saw pictures, still have no idea who she is). 9: Rodney Marsh (some footie dude). 8: John Burton-Race (some chef). 7: Anna Ryder-Richardson (poor man's Tara Palmer Tompkinson that did Changing Rooms). 6: Marc Bannerman (Marco from EastEnders eons ago). 5: Jason "J" Brown (him from 5ive). 4: Gemma Atkinson (a pair of boobs that used to be in Hollyoaks, was also on that singing thing). 3: Cerys Matthews (Welsh bird with actual talent). 4: Malcolm McLaren (who's left already - take THAT Johnny!). And, the most important person in that jungle - at number 1 we have the might that is Janice Dickinson. Which means we're going to see her without any make-up.

So Malcolm left… funny that. Seemingly he was shocked that the jungle camp was "fake" or something. He's obviously never flicked past ITV before. The former Sex Pistols manager, who was reportedly getting £350,000 (?!) to appear on the show, said; "The reality is their jungle is a glorified film set. The whole show is a circus. I was shocked to hear I was never going to be in any danger." Yes, but could you eat a marsupial's b*ll*ck, Malcolm?

Someone who probably wouldn't bat an eyelid at a kangaroo's baggage is his replacement, Katie Hopkins (that would be Katie off The Apprentice, the evil yoke that looked like a Skeksis. I'm praying to a higher power that she didn't bring that lippy as one of her luxury items). And you'll NEVER guess who she's bonding with?! Only the Dickinson. You can see that demonic union on tonight's show, as well as Katie helping Gemma to carry her chest.