About an hour into watching TV3's opening coverage of I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! USA, I started cursing myself for not taking notes (that doesn't mean I started taking notes though; last night was my first evening away from a laptop in almost a week *rocks self slowly*)

Here's a rundown of whose taking part:

Torrie Wilson - Former WWE totty. Bares striking (physical) resemblance to Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag - Muppet from The Hills. She enjoys praying loudly; swinging out of her husband; dousing her hair with dry shampoo; crying and devising torture methods of members of Al Qaeda (her presence would be enough).

Spencer Pratt - It's all in the name. Enjoys referring to Heidi as 'my wife' constantly; talking about walking out on the show/their charities; making the show's producers think about John Salley's faeces while their eating their dinner; refusing to partake in any tasks/camp upkeep; throwing hissy fits ('cause he's only a new Christian) over labels being taken off his wife's dry shampoo bottle; and secretly wants to bone Torrie.
John Salley - very tall ex-NBA star.

Janice Dickenson - likes to pretend she didn't appear in the UK version of the show.

Stephen Baldwin - brother of all the other Baldwins. Favours conversing about stiff wood with Janice, and baptising Spencer in the river.

Frangelina - a female comedy duo you've never heard of.

Patti Blagojevich - the wife of Rod Blagojevich... the governor dude who got arrested... Google him.

Lou Labama Philips - he's a diamond who also appeared in Young Guns.

Sanjaya Malakar - didn't win American Idol. Everyone's still talking about his hair.

The only other thing you need to know at this point is that the programme should be called The Speidi Show. it wouldn't be half as entertaining without them. Sure, they're the most loathsome, puerile, over-privileged, ignorant, USELESS f*ckwits to grace the face of pur planet but it's fun to watch them being "Christian" while wishing them large amounts of harm. According to reports, they landed back in LAX after walking off the show but, in fairness, that could be anybody under the sheet. Last thing we heard, they were begging the show's producers to let them back on. The same producers Spencer rang during their dinner to shout about his celebrity being "DEVALUED" by being in the presence of his fellow contestants. Sorry, but I think I'm falling in love with him.

As for the show's presenters; Myleene, you're still bland. Damien, hate to break it to you after all these years, but you pronounce Fahey like Fahey - not Fayhey. Ant and Dec, you are not.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! USA continues tonight on TV3 at 9.00pm.