If Joaquin Phoenix's retirement from acting and all-round general oddness of late does in fact prove to be a hoax, as it is indeed rumoured to be, it may soon be eclipsed by what one can only assume to be Chris Brown and Rihanna's performance art reimagining of the life and times of Ike and Tina Turner. 2009 has been, um, 'eventful' for the couple so far. First, Chris assaults 21-year-old Rihanna, threatens to "really kill her" and then gets charged with domestic abuse. Then Rihanna leaves him. For about 20 minutes.
Brown's public relations expert Michael Sitrick has been working overtime, though, to try to persuade the general public that Brown isn't really a bad guy. He's just troubled, you see? Come on ladies, especially those in the 14-26 demographic, Chris was just going through some problems. Buy his records. He's sorry about that hiccup last month, you'll see…
Sitrick gleefully announced that the couple has not only reconciled, but rumours are rampant that Brown and Rihanna are to marry, bless 'em. It doesn't stop there, however, as we here at Entertainment.ie towers have learned the pair are to record a duet together. One month and two days after Brown allegedly attempted to murder her.
Rihanna may be in even greater trouble now, though, as it appears that she has angered the one person she doesn't want to mess with. Yes, her. 'She who is not to be trifled with'.
Oprah is pissed.
"Love doesn't hurt" said Queen Winfrey, in direct contradiction to Cher's famous 1975 hit which implies that, yes, "Love Hurts". "If a man hits you, he will hit you again. I don't care what his plea is", continued Winfrey. She then went on to dedicate a show to "all the Rihanna's of the world".
Even Donald Trump weighed in with his thoughts, though perhaps with a little less tact than Oprah. "If she goes back [to Brown], she's a loser, and she doesn't deserve to have any future success". Harsh words from Trump who then proceeded to attempt to fire his driver, a guy selling newspapers and a six-year-old child on his way to JFK airport, none of whom were actually employees of his.
There's only one person who can bring a peaceful end to this saga. That man is Cliff Huxtable. Unfortunately for all involved, Huxtable is a fictional character from The Cosby Show, so the chances of that happening are slim. I'd like to see Cliff put his arm around Brown though and explain the ills of domestic violence, and give him a lovely sweater as a gift. Then maybe he'd teach him to shave.
(Sheena McGinley is away)