"A proposal is more than just a question..." That's the tagline for Sky Lifetime's new show The Proposers. If you're ever thinking of proposing to someone in your lifetime, you should probably avoid this show like the plague because - in short - it's counter productive. This show will single handedly put you off proposing for life.

Speaking as someone who was lucky enough to be proposed to last Friday, I feel compelled to tell you that asking someone to marry you doesn't/shouldn't need a hot air balloon, a yacht, a "flashmob of puppies", or an 'aawwwww'dience. All you need are three things: A venue. The Ring. And balls of steel.

The Venue.
Trips to New York, Paris, or the swankiest restaurant in town is all very flashy, but it doesn't have to be that way. I was proposed to in my sitting room. A lot of you reading may go "BORING", but it was anything but. All that was required was a little thought and imagination. I was sent upstairs with a glass of wine and was told to watch Netflix. He said he wanted to actually acknowledge Valentines Day a bit more than usual (the usual being a piss take card, flowers, some nice earrings and a wind up pair of boobs) as it was our first as parents. He made dinner and transformed our sitting room into the most romantic place I'd ever been.

Sick bags at the ready? OK. The dining table was dragged out to the middle of the room (it's currently relegated as a sideboard as the child's stuff occupies every available square inch) and adorned with candles, my favourite wine, some bubbly on ice, and heart-shaped napkins - which he knew I'd find hilarious. The surrounding walls were plastered with blown up photos of us on holidays over the years, and a poster of the gig we finally first met at (we'd initially met over the phone through work). He'd even dismantled the child's foam alphabet play mat to spell out 'I LOVE U' on the floor as I walked in. Also hilarious.

Once dinner and dessert were horsed into (he couldn't eat, so I had his), he gave me a card which said 'To My Partner'. I gave him a card with 5 All Cash Gold, 'cause I'm classy like that. He beetled off for a bit and came back with another card, and said "You can only open that if you can answer a question for me... I put all these photos on the wall of us on holidays because, no matter where we've been, I've never been happier than in this room, with our beautiful little baby upstairs. Will you marry me." I tell you what, I was a blubbering mess. When I opened the second card, it said 'To My Fiancee. Inside, he'd written - 'thank you for saying yes :)'

See? Simples. Some sorts may require the bells and whistles, but you're possibly signing up for a lifetime of misery there... Knowing that you've put a lot of thought into something is generally a winner.

If you are hell bent on doing the New York thing, and then plan to whisk her off to the Diamond District for a competitively priced bauble, be warned that the experience is not unlike being hassled in Amsterdam's Red Light District...

And if you are going to go over the top - you totally have to do something like this (except in a third of the time. It feels like she's sat there for an eternity)

The Ring.
Always have the ring to hand. A certain lady I know - who shall remain nameless - was proposed to, and then had to go to the jewellers four months later to pick out the ring herself with her mum. Try avoid that, it's not ideal.

There's ALWAYS a way of finding out which ring to pick. For example, get a friend/family member to ask her what she thinks his missus would like as he wants to get her something special - that way you'd at least find out what jeweller she holds in high regard. You can surreptitiously find out the size by clocking which ring she may wear on her ring finger and then trying it on for size yourself.

You may think - 'Jaysis, I'm not a total moron' while reading the following but - trust me - this is news to some people. There a few things to bear in mind when ring shopping:

*The diamond is always more important than the metal, the setting can always be changed.
* If you do choose to go for white gold over platinum, make sure the jewellers offers a reasonably priced re-dipping/cleaning service.
* Ensure the band is thick the whole way round the ring; it has to be worn for a lifetime and if that band ain't thick enough it'll wear away to a sliver.
* KEEP THE RECEIPT and ask about their exchange policy.
* Regarding how much you spend on it, the general rule is one month's salary. Don't break the bank, there are some beautiful quality rings out there for under 2,000 Euro, you just need to shop around (internet obviously best for initial investigations, but preferable to actually make the purchase in person.

Now you can begin to imagine how nervous my 'fiancee' was presenting me with my ring. Poor bastard.

Balls of Steel.
You should be nervous. Very nervous. If you're not nervous, you're either way too drunk or they're not the one. Easier said than done, but try not to poo your pants... if you're meant to spend the rest of your lives together, the answer will be 'yes' irrespective of how you propose. Keep it simple, don't over complicate things, and try not to involve too many people. The most important thing is the question itself, and the fact that it's being asked.

Ladies, all of the above applies if you're planning to propose to your other halves - it is the 21st century after all...