What do you do when the most disgusting thing possible happens to you on the same day the most horrendous thing possible happens in the world?
The terrorist attacks of 9/11 were a horrific day for America, but for one woman called Janine, it was a very bad day for another truly disgusting reason.
Janine is the nan of comedy writer and author James Felton, and today, he shared her story.
We warn you. This is not for the faint-hearted. And please don't read while you are eating. Or if you are planning on eating anytime soon.
We give you, the tale of Poo Nan.
This is the story of Poo Nan, or as she calls it “my 9/11”.
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
It was September 11, 2001, aka September 11.
My Nan went swimming for fun. It wasn’t disrespectful, she didn’t know 9/11 was about to happen.
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
She gets in the pool. Everything seems normal. But, unbeknownst to her, someone has forced a shit out in the pool.
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
And it’s bobbing around in there
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
Poo nan likes to do breaststroke, so she too is bobbing around in there.
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
She bobs up, she breathes, she bobs down again. She bobs, she breathes.
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
At some point during this, she bobs close enough to the poo and it goes right in her mouth.
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
She swallows most of it, but enough evidence is left over for her to realise she has in fact swallowed some poo poo.
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
She gets out, absolutely livid and ready to complain. But when she does, everything is eerily quiet. Too quiet.
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
Maybe she thinks “perhaps they heard about the pool shitter” I don’t know
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
She goes to complain, and sees the events on a tv screen and thinks “I can’t complain about someone shitting in my mouth, not now, I’ll look like a dick, thanks, terrorism has won”
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
So she goes home and tells grandad and he looks at her like “yeah ok someone shit in your mouth but a second plane has just hit one of the towers, good god what is wrong with you Janine”
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
“Now is not the time”
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
And so she has to sit there all day, mainly horrified about 9/11 but also horrified that someone shit in her mouth and she ate it
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
And from then on whenever someone mentions 9/11, eg on the anniversary, she’ll be like “I actually swallowed a poo on that day in the pool it was really distressing” whilst people look at her like “why are you bringing this up, people died”
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
And she tells people, and I’m quoting here, she feels she’s been robbed of “*my* 9/11”
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 21, 2019
And none of us were ever the same again.
