... you may remember me from such posts as 'Hannah Montana's Miley Cyrus seems to be heading in a new direction' and 'Lindsay Lohan could be attending court over some necklace or other.'

After spending the last nine months on maternity leave, trying to keep a little person alive, it's time to return to the work force, which - when compared to the front line of mammyhood - isn't nearly as scary as one might think... It's infinitely more terrifying.

I've spent the best part of a year dodging spew bombs and handling poonades, all while buried in a trench fashioned from the (give or take) 1,441 nappy bags filled to date. Really, I should be thrilled about coming back to work. Thing is, my only audience of late has been a small child who - let's face it - will laugh at pretty much anything. In short, I'm kacking myself here. What have I left to offer you, the reader? Perhaps I can start things off by picking you up and swinging you around a little? Then how about some belly raspberries, a go off my turbo speed 'Horsey Knee', and a spot of pureed 'nummy nums' around midday?! WHEEEEEE!

Or, we could just kick things off with a story about Azealia Banks being a massive ass of Kanye West proportions.

It won't be the best thing you've ever read, but do go gentle on me; we're still waiting for coffee number 2 to kick in as last night's activities in the McGinley household entailed two nappy changes, several nose wipes, a wrestle with a vaporiser, and a 3am visit from the suppository fairy.