Poor Guy Ritchie's been getting it from all sides thanks to his ex-wife's crazed fans. Emergency services had to be called to remove a man from the director's Mayfair pub on Thursday, with a source saying: "Guy was in the pub and in good spirits, laughing and joking over a pint. This bloke seemed to be on the look out for trouble. He got a drink and started shouting his mouth off about being a Madonna fan and ranting about the divorce. There was a big scene in the pub."

Thinking a film set might be more secure, Guy then headed off to work on his new Sherlock Holmes movie, only to be faced with a knife-wielding 16-year-old dressed entirely in black. A source said: "The bloke was screaming about Guy and shouting, 'I love Madonna'. It was terrifying. At first it seemed like a sick joke but it was soon obvious the knifeman was not messing around. Luckily there were four security guards and two policemen who were able to overpower him. Guy was understandably upset, but carried on as if nothing had happened."

This is where emotional constipation comes in handy. Perhaps Madonna is testing him to see where his breaking point is. What will she send next - a troupe of vadge flashing ninjas down his chimney?