Feast your eyes on this lot: Kristen Bell, Bird from The Big Bang Theory; Taylor Swift; Carrie Underwood; Katy Perry (I totally found myself in India, 'n stuff, check out my mystical bindi), Pink;and maaaaaybe Rihanna... (we'll make a concession for obvious reasons). And Beyonce. Although the entire thing looks like it's embossed with rope.... And then there's the zip. The silhouette is nice though. Well, these eight offerings, for they were the only acceptable dresses that made their way up the Grammy (winners list can be viewed here) red carpet last night (Rihanna, Katy Perry and Beyonce's bouncies only made by the hairs on their chinny chin chins). I would like to bestow Taylor Swift with the top honour of appropriate dress. It's glitzy AND she can sit down in it!!! Not that they ever do, mind, they usually flounce up the carpet in one ensemble, hump around the stage in a sliver of unitard and then have an "awards acceptance speech" outfit, and then "sitting in the crowd, smiling/clapping" attire.
Just as well they have a multitude of dresses, otherwise GaGa would take out at least four audience members sitting within her proximity. No, she just chose to wear this intergalactic onsie avec inbuilt wig for the photographers. She then slid into a Jenson inspired green leotard, which showcased half her GaGa (less of the labs please, "lady"), to judder around stage with Sir Elton John, both looking like futuristic chimney sweeps. They performed a mash up of Elton's Your Song spliced with GaGa's Speechless. If only.
We're going to do away with the usual 'Good', 'Bad', 'Blah' categories on this occaision. This time, I'm going with the following (although Nicole Kidman was leading away for a 'Most likely to be married to a mortician who's into taxidermy on the side' category, but she was on her own).
'I don't know you, but your outfit has captured my attention - for many reasons:'
Gullianna E! Ransic It's nice but you seriously need a feed, woman.
Colbie Caillet: Nice. While I have you, is that a tattoo? Any regrets?
Kara DioGuardi, judge off American Idol: Well, that's what WENN are calling her. Although she does look suspiciously like the bird from Glee... who's going to start getting an age complex considering WENN tagged her as Penelope Cruz at the Golden Globes. All that aside, she's wearing a navy dress with black shoes which is not on.
Malina Moye: "And for my next trick, I'll make my hand appear out of the anus of a bunny!"
'I don't know you, and your outfit makes me wish things to remain so.'
Sun: The least likely person to be named after the giver of life. Pluto might be more apt.
Carrie Ann Inaba: The sooner these bunchy curtain ties styled dresses bugger off the better.
Bird from The Foreign Exhange: If you insist on wearing something this short, at least have the balls to wear it. Apologetically covering your nigh-exposed crothular area with your clutch is a little sad. Like you're being violated by your stylist.
The Middle One: "I came as Snow White!!"
'I'm sorry, but this doesn't really fit you. Perhaps get the next size up in future.'
Snookie from that Jersey Shore MTV thing.
Miley Cyrus: OK, it fits her, but it's too short. If I were her mother I'd insist on adding another few millimetres to the skirt length, until she's 18. Then again, I don't resemble a barbequed Pussy Cat Doll.
Jennifer Hudson: Looks in pain.
David Guetta: Apart from Dave's jeans hanging on to him for dear life, his missus needs a bit more give from the waist down. From the waist up, FAR too much give. Girlfriend requires a bra.
Adrienne Lau: It fits, but it's mingin'.
Heidi Klum: It's grand, but you're "you're (hanging) out." Tubular bells need hoisting.
Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino.
Phoebe Price: Shame she left the sailer had at home for once, it would've gone well with her ode to deep sea squid ensemble.
Ke$ha: Not the dress so much, just her in general.
'What in the name of Jaysis has happened to you?'
Mary J Blige: This looks cheap, lady. Cheeeeeeeeeep.
Joe Jonas: lose the glasses wee one. Are there even lenses in there?
The Kings of Leon: A bloat reducing diet might be in order... although Jared? Still would with bells on.
Shaila Durcal. I... I just don't know. One question though, is she as wide as the dress? If not, WHY wear a dress that makes you look like you're walking behind a stage set piece?
Travis Parker and his son. Wrong.