Noooo, they're not reeeally having an affair. Stateside press have naturally gone with the 'NICOLE SCHERZINGER AND CHRIS BROWN HOOK UP IN L.A. CLUB??!!' angle, when really they're just two muppets getting the attention they crave. He's talking gibberish, and all Nicole ever hears are the lyrics to Don't Cha. Essentially she needs to be seen in America after being shunted back to the UK version of X Factor, and her boyfriend wants a career in R'n'B, while he needs to be seen talking to a woman.

Chris has since guffawed off reports he "hooked up" with herself in Hollywood's Supperclub club on Tuesday night and insisted he is close with both Nicole and Lewis and the pair looked cosy because they were simply roaring into each others ears.

A spokesperson for Chris felt the need to say: "No story here. They were not kissing. They are friends and have been for years. They were talking at a club that was playing loud music."

Nicole was spotted catching up with Chris and "other close pals" including and singer Sean Kingston. They were all there because Brown was hosting a Black Pyramid party, in case such minor details interest you.

Chris was previously seen hanging out with British Formula One racer Lewis in Cannes in July - without Nicole. The McLaren driver, who is currently training in Asia, oft refers to Chris as his 'homie' on his twitter page and the pair also share multiple other mutual friends including rappers Ludacris and Swizz Beatz.

And that was your first non-story of this hear Thursday. Trust you appreciated the futility of it all.