Ricky must be experiencing a quiet period from playing variants of David Brent as he found time to post this little letter to the US President on his blog: 

"Dear Mr President, firstly, congratulations on your historic win. I have never been so behind a candidate for what must be considered the boss of the world. You seem to be a man of grace and integrity, who would never shirk responsibility in any way. I'll get to the point. As I'm sure you are aware, one of your flock has strayed. A Miss Paris Hilton, who is, I believe, a resident of Beverley Hills, is in England doing a reality game show for ITV2 called Paris Hilton's British Best Friend. Fine. I have no problem with that. I don't have to watch. But now it has come to my attention that she has bought a house in North London a few miles from me, and is out and about ingratiating herself with the Great British public. Mr President. We are not stupid. This is clearly a retaliatory strike for Posh Spice moving to LA. I know it, and you know it, so let's cut the 'it's a free country' nonsense and come to some agreement. I propose an exchange. This is how it would work. We call them both and tell them that we've found a giant 'paparazzi nest', in New York say. (half way home for both of them already). At first they may be confused that they'd never heard of such a thing before, but the thought of that many photographers in one place will be irresistible. Once we get them there, while they are having their photos taken (we will have hire a few guys with cameras to make it look good) we will swap their limos around. It's fool proof. This is a covert operation of which Mr Gordon Brown knows nothing. (I've got him working on finding a synthetic fur for The Queen's guards' bearskin hats.) Have your people call my people. They may have to call a few times as my people are useless to be honest. Thank you, Ricky Gervais."

Oh, the hilarity... He's forgetting, however, that Britain has already retaliated tenfold for the Paris invasion by deploying both Jordan and Peter Andre to California. Apparently the duo are currently leasing a "14,000 square foot, 7 bedroom/7 bath Italian villa" in Malibu for $100,000 per month. They earn a lot of money for a pair of tits

It's also come to our attention that Victoria might indeed be winging her way back to the motherland to slip into Dannii Minogue's precariously lofty shoes on next season's X Factor. I KNOW! Why didn't we think of her?! She's perfect for the role - gobby, not in possession of any talent herself, will have a bit of a gripe with Cheryl after she said Posh didn't support her when Ashley boned a hairdresser mid-vomit... Beckham is "said to be considering the contract now that her soccer ace husband David may transfer full-time to the AC Milan team in Italy where he is currently on loan from Los Angeles Galaxy." A source tells Britain's Daily Mail, "She doesn't want to come back to Europe with her tail between her legs. But if she can return here to be on the X Factor, then that is different." The £1million contract might also be motivation.

As for Paris, there's an upside to her presence in London: "It's really scary about the economy right now. So the way I'm playing my part in helping is doing a lot of shopping wherever I go." Here's hoping she makes a weekend jaunt over here in the very near future... *gasps* I've just after extending an open invititation to Paris Hilton to visit our shores *hangs head*. The world has gone excessively bats.