Paul Gascoigne is a few raspberries short of a fruit smoothie, this we all know; but the former Rangers and Spurs midfielder’s recent stay in a "hospital" has obviously done him little good. According to The Sun he took a taxi from Newcastle to Birmingham, promising the driver a "big tip" but then telling the bemused cabbie that he had no money to pay him. The fare apparently cost in the region of £400 and took about three and a half hours. The perplexed cabbie spewed "He was irrational - friendly one moment, aggressive the next. He was making a lot of calls on his mobile. He rang his dad and said, 'I’m in trouble again'. He told his dad he had drunk two bottles of wine. Then not surprisingly he "kept falling asleep". All of this is strange enough, but the driver also told of a vast consumption of Doritos, saying the ex-England ace ate "packet after packet" but opened them by "banging his hands together so the bags burst and the crisps were going everywhere". Seriously, I’d pay £400 quid to see that. All the driver had to do was pull out the mobile and get that on camera - instant youtube classic. Also, that’s a terrible waste of a supremely tasty potato-themed snack.