People can moan all they want about the budget but here's the really depressing news story. Researchers in America have produced a report that suggests eating bacon can lower a man's sperm count.

A study conducted by Harvard University and presented to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine suggested that men who ate between one and three servings of processed meats had worse sperm shape than men who ate the fewest. Let's be honest, nobody wants bad sperm shape.

So what do you need to do? Easy. Skip the bacon and have kippers for breakfast instead. The study also found that men who ate the most fish had better shaped sperm, and, more of the little buggers in general. "We found the effect of processed meat intake lowered quality and fish raised quality, said Dr. Myriam Afeiche from the Harvard School of Public Health in an interview with the Daily Mail.

All is not lost however. The study found no evidence that consuming alcohol or caffeine effected a man's sperm count, counter to some previous studies. "Even though caffeine and alcohol are generally considered a risk factor for decreased fertility, we saw no evidence of that," study co-author Dr. Jorge Chavarro, an assistant professor of nutrition and epidemiology at the Harvard School of Public Health, said to HealthDay.

Another part of the study looked at exercise. In a surprise to no one it concluded that men who engaged in moderate-to-vigorous physical activity for seven hours a week had a higher sperm count then those lazy fools who exercised for an hour or less. (Disclaimer: The study did not specifically say 'lazy fools' but it seemed implied)

But before you jump on that rusting bike of yours or go out and buy Kanye's leather jogging pants be warned that the study found jogging and bike riding were of no help to that all important sperm count and in fact found bike riding decreased the count. Pressure from the bike seat apparently. Karma for all those cyclists who continue to believe that a FOOT path should somehow accommodate bicycles, but I digress.

So what is the overall outcome here? Nothing to get too concerned about. This is just another in a long line of studies to claim one food is beneficial and another damaging. €10 says there'll be a study by the end of the week that claims eating bacon gives you special powers which enable you to unlock the door to the secret world of Narnia, or something like that. So go home today avoid the rashers, have a fish finger or two, pump some weights, get pissed, get caffeinated, kick your pants in the corner and go for it.