Someone in Madonna's camp really wants us to think she's still got it. For whatever reason. Has she a tour DVD coming out or something? Or perhaps she was just plain horrified by reports Jesus had the sheer audacity to dump her, the Madonna.

She was probably all like, "Hey Liz, or whoever is doing my sh*t nowadays, release a statement about me lording it over every man I've touched off in the last year or so. Make it lengthy. Say A-Rod was still mad about me when he was with Goldie Jr. And throw Lola's dad in there too. And call me Em. I like that. It's mysterious but with an 'e'. Oh and mention something about me educating Jesus, it makes me feel like Michael Caine."

So this is what made it into today's Sun: "Jesus is really, really into Madonna but he's more like a little personal project to her. They are together when she wants them to be together. She decides what he wears, she has sorted English lessons for him and she even paid for his flat. He's like a little sheep in awe of his mistress and she loves that. Jesus has no idea A-Rod is still seeing her. Even when A-Rod was with Kate Hudson, he kept in close contact with Madge. Madonna spent two nights with him in his beach house in Miami last week and Jesus had no idea. She just didn't tell him and her staff were told not to tell him. She claims she has an intellectual connection with A-Rod, who is a genius compared to Jesus. When Madonna split from Guy Ritchie, Carlos was there for her. They spent a lot of time together and old emotions came back. But Carlos has a lovely girlfriend who Lourdes doesn't like, which has made life difficult. There will always be a big connection between Em and Carlos... Despite all the blokes in her life, she's extremely lonely since her divorce and has been sending whining emails to her girl pals. She has everything but she never seems happy."

"What the, LIZ! Have you paying Guy to write my press releases again?! I told you to stop that! Sure, his career fell apart on my watch, and we all felt sorry for him, but he's got that Holmes thingy now, he doesn't need the cash! JESUS! Mommy's stressed. DANCE FOR ME.