While everyone at the actual Oscars seemed to be donned in fifty shades of grey, over at the Elton John party, it was all about the tacky white dresses. And while the Hollywood A-Listers posed for photos with a smile on their face (standard), at Elton's it was more cool to pose kissing your celebrity bff, a la Miley Cyrus and Kelly Osbourne.

She's a long way from Hannah Montana now, is young Miley. Check out the hair, the tats and enough jewellery hanging off her arm to send Heathrow's metal detectors into overdrive. And there's Heidi Klum with her mammaries on show reminding us all that YES she has them and no she's not afraid to whip them out. Must be some fairly decent tit tape she's using, 'sall I'm saying. Sometimes though, I really think not having it all on show can be more effective, more sexy. Also, doesn't the dress squash her a little?

Also rocking a fairly sizeable pair of knockers is Suzanne DeLaurentiis, whoever she is. Thankfully she's gone for some sort of cami top under her hideously tacky lace overgarment. Since when is the suffocating mermaid look back in fashion? Former Eastenders and token vampire from Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 Judi Shekoni was also rocking some mermaid-esque attire however she chose to pair it with some half up-half down ringlets circa 1998. Just no.

Added some much needed style to the proceedings, was Jane Seymour who we'll never imagine as anything other than the put-upon temptress married to Christopher Walken in Wedding Crashers. And who could forget the Kardashians! Now Kim's preggers so we're not going to give her any shtick. But we're not so sure about Kourtney. The dress is daring, but with her reefed back hair, it's all a little too harsh.

Then there was Nicki Minaj whose lips are in serious need of some de-icing. Look how miserable she looks! While she's a good'un for the dance tunes, it's safe to say she's a bit of an eejit. What with the rumours that she wouldn't walk on grass outside her trailer unless it was of a certain length. We'd just love to see what Nicki looks like without this trowel load of crap on her face. Wouldn't you?

I'm not even going to bother commenting on Chris Brown. Other than this: jog on Chris, you're an idiot and nobody likes you (apart from Rihanna, but fear not, she'll come round any day now). And there's no amount of dickhead glasses you can don or animal printed suits you can sport that'll ever take from the fact that you're a dick. Aaaaaaand breathe.

Oh hey Bono, the early noughties called, they want their sunglasses back. Yes, he's actually wearing rose tinted spectacles coupled with the kind of futile scarf that only rich people wear. I'm pretty sure J Lo wore these exact glasses or something similar in her My Love Don't Cost a Thing music video. And that was in 2001. Has Bono any hope of ever upgrading his style into the present day? Not likely.

And what about Steven Tyler. His hair resembles what Blythe Danner's hair might look like should she ever choose not to wash. It's called a hairbrush, Tyler. Buy one. Nevertheless, he's got a great set of gnashers, doesn't he?

Last in line for a good ribbing is Emmy Rossum whose opted for the medieval, virginal, stick-a-load-of-pearls-on-my-head look. It's not your wedding day, love, there's just no need. Oh and we can't forget Rachel Griffiths from Brothers and Sisters who was clearly half way out the door, donned in her shapeless satin bedsheet (or you might call it a dress), and then stopped to say 'hold on, something's missing. Oh, I'll sling this half dead fox around my neck. Bingo. To the party we go!'

Someone who got it right though, is Holly Valance. A nice amount of leg on show. And possibly Jim Carrey who wore a set of wings on his back and a pair of oversized hobbit-esque feet. Genius. And to be perfectly honest with you gossip hungry folk, that's about it. Once again, the people of celebville have failed to impress us with their sartorial choices. Better luck next time.