All the ladies in the house... the ladies, the ladies... And don't they all look nice. None of them have a gold tooth or look hardcore... apart from Princess Buttercup who's shorn all her pretty locks. Still stunning, but I wouldn't mess with her.

The cream of Hollywood ladies wriggled into their glad rags and showcased their best bits for ELLE's 18th Annual Women in Haallywoooohd Tribute. The only man photographed was attached to Katherine Heigl's face.

Amber Heard looked like a fantasy, and Evan Rachel Wood looked suitably elegant. As for Michelle Pfiffer *swoons*. Then things take a slight downturn. Nicole Richie, you are not Blanche Dubois quite yet, dress your age while you can; Reese, we want to see your legs; Camila Alves's hip trouble is detracting attention from her dress (which is OK, bit hectic); Naomi Watts thought "It's balmy, I'll just wear the slip"; Jayma Mays is lucky she didn't pick this in red, for obvious reasons; Chelsea Handler's off to get coffee for the other secretary's tea break; Elizabeth Olsen = concrete girder; Fredia Pinto would like to welcome you to the Hotel's 5 Star Spa, she will be dealing with you in treatment room B. In short, it's sterile but functional (unless it goes anywhere near anything resembling food, fingers, liquid...) yet ultimately boring, and no amount of plastic and gold neck wizardry will change that fact.

As for Jennifer Aniston - enough already. I'm not going to look like that when I'm 42 so pleaaase stop putting that pressure on me. I thank you.