Now, this is thrilling. Not only did the guests at last night's Elle Style Awards wear clothes worth commenting upon, they also had to negotiate... steps. For me, it's a red carpet first. STEPS! That means we get to see most attendees hoiking up a leg while perennially showcasing her left ear (I'll stop banging on about it when she dares to expose her right hand side).
Last night's carpet fodder have been divided into the following categories, just to make things a bit less long-winded.
You're Hairy: Courtney Love smuggled in an angel; Jamie Winstone crawled inside a yeti; while Brix Smith-Start; Caroline Sieber; George Lamb's bird and Jo Whiley's bag making up the remainder.
I Don't Quite Follow You: Minnie Driver (Gust of wind or hungry crotch? Hungry crotch); Blake Lively (yeah, it's Pucci, but the cleavage pull ring is perplexing. If I pull it, do the ladies pop out or do I win a cash prize from the opening down below?); Lisa Snowdon (she's not got that on properly, has she...)
Perhaps You Should Go Home: Stephen Dorf (to sleep) and Pixie Geldof (to change)
Peek-a-Boob: Cheryl Cole and Geri Haliwell.
'Yeah, Like You Blend': Blending stalwarts Boy George and Vivienne Westwood, alongside Alice Dellal; Emilia Fox; Ellie Goulding (relates more to her fake tan than anything else); and - the piesta resistance when it comes to "I'm letting my outfit compensate for a lack of enduring talent/personality" - we have Shingai Shoniwa and Donna Air. And, thanks to the stairs, we have a side angle. I too am expecting pistols to materialise from her chest.
'So Close, Yet So Far Away': Thandie Newton and Laura Bailey
It's Not Summer Quite Yet: Eliza Doolittle
Muted Figure Skater: Emma Watson
Hello Mumsy: Sophie Ellis-Bextor; Corinne Bailey-Rae and Roisin Murphy
LOOK AT MY SHOES: Fearne Cotton and Portitia Freeman
And The Rest: Henry Holland; Helena Christensen;Samantha Cameron's arse; Jo Wood's flaps...
To the winners:
Outstanding Contribution to Fashion: Helena Christensen
Best British Designer: Christopher Kane
Top International Designer: Tom Ford
Model Of The Year: Coco Rocha
Best Actress: Natalie Portman
Best TV Star: Blake Lively
Breakthrough Talent: Noomi Rapace
Style Icon: Emma Watson
Musician Of The Year: Cheryl Cole
OK, they had me until the last one...