I'm confused. This being a normal state of a Monday, it's probably best to share this with everyone to see if you too are befuddled.

Piers Morgan is promoting a new meat-themed scent for men on behalf of Burger King. It's called Flame. Yep, we're meant to believe that Burger King has now turned its prowess to fragrances. BEFORE McDonalds. As for Piers whoring himself out; no great stretch of imagination required there. Also, by the by, the body isn't his. So you don't have to stretch your brain to believe that's him proudly filling a swatch of velvet material. The body is that of a "model", so feel free to stop shrieking every time it enters your eye line.

According to The Daily Mail, a Buger King spokesperson said: "It's a very manly smell. It's a real change from the his-and-hers type scents. It's well known that certain foods can increase your libido. Flame has a hint of grilled beef but that has quite masculine connotations. It is almost like a pheromone." Oooh, nothing riles people's loins more than a fat-imbued sliver of ground mystery meat. Every day is a struggle against commanding our men folk to smuggle burger patties between their quivering buns.

If the notion of a manly fragrance courtesy of a burger chain wasn't hard enough to swallow (I thank you), they've brought in the inexplicable presence of Piers. There he is, large Burger King medallion around his neck, the aforementioned miniature velveteen curtain cupping "his" manhood, and the tagline "The scent of seduction. With a hint of flame-grilled meat." It just doesn't make sense *starts rocking slowly*… unless this is some overly-fandangled publicity stunt for a new quadruple decker cheese burger. Now THAT I can get my head around.

And, to top off the weirdness, Vincent Graff of the Daily Mail has actually reviewed the scent: "How meaty is the perfume? I'd go as far as to say 'not at all'. It's a thick, musky scent; cheap and cloying - but entirely un-beefy. The thing is, if you chose to smell like a shop, you wouldn't choose a burger bar. And when I told my wife Helen that Flame is designed to boost your libido, according to its publicity, she replied: 'Next you'll be telling me how sexy you are when you arrive back home from the kebab shop'."

Again, I'm confused, which is a normal state of a Monday (as is mindless repetition). Any input here would be greatly appreciated.