It's not that guy in the header, that's Michael Jordan - but his expression of pain beyond words is apt for our story tonight.

Gather round, foolish mortals, because this report by the Irish Medical Journal is better than any horror story you can think of. A man presented himself to the Emergency Department at the Mater University Hospital in Dublin with a titanium cock ring clamped around his penis, which he had attached to himself for SEVEN HOURS.

In spite of the titanium cock ring around his penis, the man was still able to urinate. The IMJ's report found that ice-packs to reduce swelling and orthopaedic instruments - bolt and bone-cutters, according to the report - were used in an attempt to remove the titanium cock ring, but to no avail.

In the end, the Dublin Fire Brigade had to be called in who used an electronic angle-grinder on the titanium cock ring on the man's penis. The report explains that "metal forceps was placed under the ring to prevent past pointing of the axel grinder", whilst "fire protection sheets were used to protect the patient and staff from sparks."

All told, the procedure to remove the man's titanium cock ring took twenty minutes and, one month later, the man has reported no problems either peeing or having sex.

You came here to see the photo, didn't you? You sick f*ck. Here it is.