You know the drill: I'm asked to write about a reality TV show which consumes my life for a few weeks/months. I give out about it with gusto initially until rage gives way to inertia and you're lucky to even get one update a week. Well, dear readers, rage was bypassed by inertia given the post-holiday blues currently straddling my brain so do forgive the brevity... *eyes slew of contestants to comment on... rests head on desk for a spell*... Let me rephrase that; please forgive my blatant disinterest.
 
Here's what it is: There are 12 "talented" contestants in a studio. Every few days a celebrity comes in and "hijacks" the job of Big Brother and gives the housemates tasks. Matt Lucas gave an amusing turn, especially when forcing John to utter things like "I like your beard, is it stuck on?" to his fellow contestants upon entry to the house. Ian Wright was predictably bland (while managing to give a shout out to his charity). Tonight we will see the wares of Alan "Creepy" Cumming, while, as I type, "TV personality" Kelly Osbourne is earning a few quid. It's on E4 at 9pm every night. Dermot O'Leary looks as if he shares my disinterest on Big Brother's Little Brother at 7.30pm. On the upside; it's getting the lowest viewer ratings in the history of Big Brother. I would come across with the source of this fact but the newspaper clipping I was kindly given has gone for a hop in my Bermuda Triangle of a handbag.
 
Behold your housemates:
Amy: A member of the CIA - AKA a conceptual installation artist - AKA someone who stole someone else's idea to clean squares in her vicinity and then call it art. 
Anthony: An international boxer. Most of the girls fancied him initially but have since backed off since ascertaining that he's nice but dim.
Calista: A singer/songwriter. Rather talented despite singing far too loudly, but her cheerful ditty about lonely girls generally turning to promiscuity in a bid to feel affection seemed to twang a few heartstrings.
Emilia: A roller-skating, leg warmer sporting, contortionist - AKA a walking male fantasy complete with basic personality. Her brother, Victor, is also in the house; he talks like a woman and, despite this, attempted flirtations with Latoya. The siblings are a circus double act and a pretty big in Berlin.
Jade: Another walking male fantasy although a mute button would be a bonus. She is a beauty queen, (allegedly) a Mensa member, a dancer, a contortionist, a singer…
Jay: The token gay (although the jury's out on Liam). He's a designer that would like his own fashion house in the near future. At 19-years-of-age one might think he'd be happy with already showcasing collections at New York Fashion Week but, alas, no. Whines a lot.
Jeremy: has a neck wider than his head so news he's a racing driver didn't come as a surprise. Despite winning a load of sh*t I'm not a*sed repeating, he put in a delightfully dire performance when put behind of a race car game during Matt Lucas's talent showcase. He's currently trying to get some circus folk action by attempting conversation with Emilia.
John: The poor plump ginger Scotsman (I'm allowed say those all things as they also relate to myself) that Matt Lucas played puppeteer to when the housemates first entered. He's going to win. He's also Chairman of the Scottish Youth Parliament.
Latoya: A dancer who's danced a lot in a lot of videos an on a lot of stages with a lot of different people. She has stupid hair.
Liam: started his own business at the tender age of eight. Enough said. He's also has an uncanny knack of mysteriously appearing at the side of any emotional female housemate to offer a lingering supportive pat while staring at the chest vicinity. Enjoys wearing hair/head to the right. Possible virgin.
Nathan: was nominated alongside Amy Winehouse, Ne-Yo, Lemar and Akon for Best RnB act at the 2007 Mobo Awards. He's decided to go on Big Brother as his profile clearly needs a raise. Has a penchant for sparkly attire and enjoys the repeated mispronunciation of the word "like".
Victor: Please see Emilia (but with more muscles).