The X Factor is a strange thing. We all know it's an abomination, both on the charts and on the lives of those who fail to set the musical world alight (Steve Brookstein and Leon Jackson fit neatly into this category, and they appear to be making room for Shayne Ward, if I'm not mistaken), yet we still get suckered in due to the initial 'open audition' episodes. It's not that we want our arse cheeks to be melded together in an excruciating cringe for an hour every Saturday (although it is quite the workout *bounces penny off hoop*) but there's no denying the sense of fulfilment derived from forcing oneself to watch mad yokes howl their deluded little hearts out without flinching. Endurance TV is almost a competitive sport at this stage.
Before we know it, it's down to the live shows, when the contestants start crooning cover versions of already tired songs. Why do we keep watching? You've fooled yourself into thinking you care about these expendable little souls 'cause there's NOTHING else decent on… that aside, there's always some inane pre-scripted scrap between the judges, which provides you with an adequate outlet to shout voilently at the TV. One of particular "interest" last season involved Louis pecking at Dannii until her face rustled up a few tears. Now there's more talk of her being ousted "but only if a replacement can be found." An "insider" told The Sun: "It's no secret they like to revamp the show every year. The chatter about Dannii going is deafening. But it has to be the right person, otherwise there is no point in replacing her. They want someone as good as Cheryl Cole, who has been sensational."
OK, I'm going to throw my mitts up and confess that I think the whole "Cheryl Cole's the best thing EVER" is a bit overboard. She is a joy to watch for obvious reasons. She's calming, she lets the tears fall on cue and stands up to Simon the odd time - but does she come out with cracking one-liners? Compared to Dannii, however, she undeniably shines (she hasn't got those crazy bat-shaped nostrils for starters) - but who is better than Dannii to the point of being "sensational?" I bet Simon would love to shoehorn Kelly Brook and her bountiful baps in to the line up, but she's scuppered since being dropped from the BGT judging panel after a matter of minutes. Keisha from the Sugababes might be an interesting choice; she's gobby and perceives herself to be in competition with Girls Aloud...
But what's this? The Sun's sources reckon "Lily Allen and Charlotte Church" fall under the umbrella of "sensational"... Sorry, I'd watch X Factor re-runs back to back before suffering an entire installment of their respectively WRETCHED chat shows. They're nothing more than lazy producer's wet dream - "Bring me that garrulous girl who mouths off about pretty much everyone after she downed a few ales! I want to give her a show - it'll write itself!!!" *swooshes out of room, a billowing cape leaving a plume of pound notes in its wake*
Thankfully, other sources are denying any involvement on Church's side *mops off brow*. So that leaves Lily... they should make her wrestle a naked Amy Winehouse for Dannii's position, while Dermot referees/stands on the sidelines to dispense half-hearted hugs. That would be more entertaining than the overt alternative - Myleene "I'm EVERYWHERE with my shiny hair" Klass...
