The latest gaggle of Dancing on Ice fodder have been revealed. I would say "made themselves known" but they haven't really; I only recognise a third of them. It's a startling day when Kerry Katona is one of the more recogniseable faces - when you manage to drag the eyes upwards, that is.

I used to be in awe of the Dancing on Ice contestants, risking life and limb for a wage, but now it's no big deal - I've been skittering my way to work for approximately a month now - and we have the additional peril of oncoming traffic to deal with. There are also other calamities the average road skater has to contend with. This morning, when carefully sliding my way to the Dart station, I landed on my hoop coming out of the estate. No harm done - the arse, given its increasing size, can handle the odd knock. Nothing, however, could prepare it for the added bonus of landing in some covert dog refuse hidden in the snow. Needless to say, a trip home was required.

Really, it's all about the footwear. I've been wearing rather unattractive sheepskin boots during the assortment of cold snaps, so I decided to invest in a pair of rubber soled, black leather boots with a slight wedge, cause I don't want to resemble an angry stump for winter's duration. As it turns out, the new boots want to maim me. Yesterday, I suddenly genuflected on the sloped escalator in Bloomfields, and today they've turned themselves into sh*t seeking missiles... much like the boots sported by the female contestants, as it happens (seamless, in more ways than one).

We've been advised to sport socks over our boots, but that's 'cause we haven't got the added bonus of a blade. What's going on here? Do they want to create the illusion of a bare foot that's adapted itself for slippy conditions? In which case, they've failed slightly. It just looks like they've been traipsing around a cow patted field (perhaps en route home after a night in some real classy joint where sequins and feathers are the only accepted legal tender) and they happened upon a badger trap along the way

OK, as for the rest of the contestants, we've got Katona's baps (insert Iceland joke here), the dude who fathered Jade Goody's kids (Jeff Brazier), Denise Welsh, Angela Rippon, Vanilla Ice, the recently crushed to death Ashley Peacock, the beefier version Jason Donovan (Craig McLachlan), the dude who used to played an extraneous teen in EastEnders, and the arsey bird from Hollyoaks, aaaand after that, I had to consult Wikipedia. Ah, Madeley spawn, Chloe. They have her down as a "television presenter". That's nice. Others who have thrown themselves into that bracket include Nadia Sawalha (she seems to have dropped a decade) and Laura Hamilton? Google Images had to be employed for the remainder - Dave Vitty (BBC Radio 1 presenter), Dominic Cork (Cricketer), Elen Rives (Model), and Johnson Beharry (Soldier)

*ice skating tumbleweeds*