"It wasn't me. This time. Honest. It was my mate."
How many times did you say something similar as a teenager, after being caught engaged in something dubious? Would you get away with saying stuff like that when you're pushing 30? You would if you were a footballer.
Ashley Cole, who was probably hoping for a bit of TLC after his hurty ankle (in fairness, he did break it, thus rendering him entirely useless), has been the latest mobile ego to be caught up in claims of illicitly fraternising with a modified gland model.
Here's what those good people from The Sun have to report: "Ashley Cole last night told of his embarrassment after raunchy photos of him were sent to a topless model's mobile phone. Sonia Wild, 28, received snaps of the Chelsea ace stripped and 'in all his glory'. She replied with naked videos of herself during hours of steamy exchanges... But Cole, 29, nursing a broken ankle that could jeopardise his World Cup hopes (which would mean Wayne Bridge would be next in line.... eeeeeep), said he WASN'T the man who sent the pics to the 28-year-old beauty (?!) while engaging her in hours of text sex. The Chelsea player told The Sun of the amazing chain of events that saw raunchy photographs of himself end up on a topless model's mobile phone. He claimed he had given the phone away to a pal because it still had some credit left on it. Cole, 29, said: 'I can't believe I gave a phone away that still had stuff in its memory. I thought I'd deleted it. It seems I was wrong as someone has used it to pretend to be me. I would laugh if my foot didn't hurt so much'."
A handy alibi, probably one of the dudes he (reportedly) got to organise covert abortions for him, backed up this yarn, saying: "Ashley's embarrassed about this. He was larking about in his room with his cameraphone before the match. He was in all his glory. He took the images on an unregistered pay-as-you-go phone then didn't manage to delete them when he gave it away to a mate (one Jay Wynters). To say he's horrified to discover the pictures were sent to a model is an understatement."
Sonia, a model/mother of two from Hull, said: "At first I didn't believe I was actually in touch with Ashley Cole. But next thing I knew I received a picture of him lying in bed on my phone. I recognised him straight away from the pictures I'd seen of him with his wife Cheryl - but couldn't resist having a bit of fun. It was exciting getting a picture of a soccer star. I'd had a few glasses of wine and before long the texts got hotter and hotter until we began exchanging sexy images on our phones. Whoever it was sent one full frontal one of his muscly torso. He was posing in front of what looked like a posh hotel's bathroom mirror. The texting and picture messaging went on for hours. I sent back video footage recorded on my phone of myself naked and doing sexy things for him. At the time it was a laugh and a bit of a thrill for me."
Weeeell, it would be. You're from Hull. And your raison d'etre is to be plucked from boobular obscurity by a ball monkey who craps money for a living.
As for you, Ashley. If this tale be true: that'd be a first. Otherwise, could you not even grant Cheryl the grace of being with somebody decent looking? The last one looked like, well, a basckstreet hairdresser, while this one - to quote my boss - looks modified not just in the breasticle area... Bird looks like a dudey.
If you're scrambling to get The Sun on you're lunchbreak, don't bother; they've only got the photo of Ashley mooing up at the camera. The rest are "are too rude to print in a family newspaper." That's the second time The Sun have said that this week. The same Sun who wollops a pair of baps at you the moment you move past the front page.