We've got not one, but TWO strange court stories for you today, ranging high on the Randometer. The first involves Cliff Clavin off Cheers.

The actor, who also answers to the name John Ratzenberger, has informed the LA County Superior Court that he's fearful of his life because his ex-lover is a country music fan and thus "capable of violence".

According to a source: "In legal papers filed yesterday, Ratzenberger claimed that the 45-year-old had 'indicated that it is common in many country western songs for women to set the cars of their former boyfriends on fire... That statement insinuates that she may have the capacity to perpetuate this act or similar violent conduct'. He went on to say that he was 'deeply disturbed' after receiving 'harassing and intimidating phone calls, emails and text messages'." Cliffy has also "asked the court to order his former lover to remain 100 yards away from him, his property and his job". He's currently providing the voice for Hamm The Piggy Bank in Toy Story 3.

Story number two involves Criss Angel (the magician who doubles as a walking Claire's Accessories stand) and another Z-lister squabbling over some pussy (I hasten to say) cat. Seemingly Criss took it upon himself to pilfer a cat called Hamlet from Jeff Beacher - "the midget-loving impresario behind Beacher's Madhouse revue". I dunno, it must be an American thing.

I'll now hand you over to Beacher's lawyer, who sent a letter to Angel saying: "After both of Mr. Beacher's parents passed away due to cancer [two years ago], his family's cat ("Hamlet") was bequeathed to him by will. At the time, Mr. Beacher was residing at the Hard Rock Hotel [in Las Vegas]. Accordingly, he allowed his friend Jennifer Madden to temporarily care for the cat until he moved out of the hotel. Soon thereafter, while still grieving over the recent loss of his father, my client received a phone call from you stating, 'I took your cat. He lives with me now'... This action was against the will of Ms. Madden and Mr. Beacher. I also understand that you made further bizarre allegations, including, 'The cat no longer likes you' and 'The cat and I have become close friends'".

How close, exactly? *waggles eyebrows*. Angel's claims about Hamlet preferring him are probably spot on, to be fair - if you were a cat, wouldn't you love having your own portable activity centre/climbing frame made entirely out of SPARKLY disco baubles to swing out of?! Sprinkly a bit of catnip on Criss's upper thigh and WHEEEEEEEEEE!