"Can't is the cancer of happen"... "I'm bi-winning, I win here and I win there. If I were bi-polar aren't there moments when a guy, like, crashes saying 'Oh my God it's all my mom's fault', SHUT UP!"... "They owe me a big one - publicly - while they lick my feet"... "Man, the way I partied, it was epic, the run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards all look like droopy-eyed armless children"... "If you borrowed my brain for like five seconds, you'd be like 'Dude, I can't handle it, unplug this bastard' because it fires in a way that's just not from this particular terrestrial realm" and, lastly, "Dying's for fools!"

These are just some of the statements that lead to Charlie Sheen's long-suffering publicist, Stan Rosenfield, FINALLY throwing in the well-soiled towel yesterday (Charlie shouldn't bother himself too much, though, he's got some of the finest minds in PR today wanting to guide him, like Spencer Pratt...)

Anyway, a "drug-free" Sheen - which means he's obviously suffering from some form of messianic quippy psychosis - held a number of televised interviews yesterday, in which he ecstatically uttered the above sentiments, while surrounded by his latest harem - comprising of the girlfriend/nanny, the porn star (the one he gave $30k to before being hospitalised for a "hernia"), and the soon-to-be-ex-wife, Brooke Mueller. You'll be happy to hear she brought the toddler twins with her. Healthy.

Between giving Chuck Lorre and Warner Bros more sh*t for axing Two And a Half Men with four shows left to complete ("I'm going to sue for what I'm worth and what I deserve and what they think they can take from me. I don't have a job [surely he's got some savings though, what with earning $2million an episode]. I got a family to support and love. People beyond myself are relying on that money to fuel the magic... Look what they put me through. Come Wednesday morning, they're going to rename it Charlie Bros and not Warner Bros"), he also doled out some frank advice regarding drug abuse during an interview with TMZ: "Don't do drugs that are just supposed to be administered in hospital at home. Read the warnings, read the back labels, read the directions guys, do freakin' homework..."

'Cause Charlie does background checks on all his narcotics, folks. Sorry, "did", for he's not "ingesting drugs" anymore. Apologies, correction again, he said he is "on a drug... and it's called Charlie Sheen."