Firstly, happy new decade, everyone *clinks mug of scaldy off monitor*. Secondly, this comment is in extremely poor taste, but watching made me want to add "try hand at bomb making as of immediately" to the list of New Year's resolutions. The only thing is; I'd have to hatch some king of early eviction plan for Stephanie Beacham. Yep, Ms. Dynasty herself has agreed to be locked up with 9 other people who either fall into the category of 'tragic has been' (mainly American in origin) or 'inane tabloid fodder' (mostly English). Stephanie is neither, what with her shivering Ken Barlow's timbers in her houseboat on Corrie recently.
If you're still persecuting yourselves over your deviances on New Year's Eve, consider your penance paid after scratching your eyes over this lot.
First into the house was... Stephen Baldwin. Cause he hasn't been / walked out on any reality shows in the last year. I'd say "let's hope he manages longer than he did on the American version of I'm a Celebrity..., only I honestly couldn't give a steamer. He did, however provide some amusement by informing Davina that he is "the representation of the light of truth," before wandering back and forth between the main door and the diary room (the chair is a waltzer this year) door mumbling "OK guys, I don't want to touch anything, do I go through any door? I've not been told anything.... OK, I'll just stay here then..." Expect exciting things from him.
Sure what reality TV show line up featuring a bunch of near celebrity desperates would be complete without an arbitrary set of baps?! Second into the house was a, quite frankly, wonky pair of tits attached to someone called Nicola Tappenden, AKA Nicola T. She won The Sun's Page 3 Idol? Has appeared in Nuts and Zoo? Got herself hooked up with a footballer purely to star in a show called WAG's Boutique and release a fitness DVD entitled WAG's Workout? She's releasing a single featuring Coolio "later this year".... She's a classy sort, too. When asked by Davina what she would enjoy least about staying in the house, she said: "Housemate skidmarks down the toilet!" before hoisting her own under arse up the steps.
Third into the compound was a man not famed for being a cross-dressing cage-fighting Jordan-humper, nay, Alex Reid's notoriety comes from the fact that he used to be in Hollyoaks... When asked about his "alleged" fight with DaneBowers on New Year's Eve, he skirted (pun entirely intended) around the issue amidst a cacophony of boos, so he took the opportunity to say "I love this, that's why I'm here, to change those boos to hopefully cheers." I'm assuming his luxury item was a vat of Sun Shimmer
Fourth to enter the arena was the aforementioned vision that is Stephanie Beacham. I thought, "Wow, that's mad. And a shame. Ah well, at least Stephen Baldwin might recognise someone now." I was wrong. While Beacham was overjoyed to see a fellow L.A. resident in her midst, Stephen said: "What's your name?" (There was another madame who entered the house later who needed no introduction, however). Considering she splits her time between her homes in Malibu, Morocco and L.A. she's hardly in need of the cash, so lord knows why she's in there. Although there was a mention of a "self-penned autobiography".
From the sublime to the beyond basic;Lady Sovereign(AKA Louise Harman) was next in. She had a few songs a while back, got signed by Jay-Z and had a 60ft billboard in Times Square and still flopped stateside. She informed Davina she wouldn't be spending any time with "Someone with an old fashioned opinion or a chav" in the house. Louise must have a different interpretation of the term chav to the rest of us. Upon entering the house, she mumbled her name was 'Sov', which Stephanie and Stephen promptly mistook for 'Soph'. Irked, she reiterated, "S.O.V. Sov." Not that that made things clearer for some folk. At least Sov had Nicola's Ts to comfort her. Or that could've just been misinterpretation on my part.
Can you believe we're only at the sixth one? Painful. Anyway, number five was Sisqo. The miniature rapper from the early noughties. Clearly freaked that no one would recall who he was, he introduced himself as "the king of the thongs... Women's thongs." He then probably insisted on backflipping himself onstage to blast out a stirring rendition of, you'll never guess what, the Thong Song. When asked what he was hoping for in the house, he replied, "some beautiful ladies." Instead, he was faced with Sov mumbling summink about how small he was, to which he retorted "I'm a little taller when I stand on my wallet." (classy. It's probably stuffed with a wad of self-affirming quotes like "Size doesn't matter, money does.") Instead of calling Sov the American equivalent of a chav, he made her year by saying "I've heard of you, you're a trouble maker."
Numero seven came in the bountiful form of Dane Bowers. This was meant to cause a ruckus as, again, he was "allegedly" belted by Alex Reid at Jordan's NYE fancy dress party. It went down like a damp squib. When asked by Davina about the fight, he said: "Sorry to disappoint you, but we get on OK... what you read about him isn't true." He then scurried into the house, almost embarrassed, to hear Reid roar "ROUND TWO!" Hur. When Stephanie asked if he had a mark on his forehead, he said he had a bit of a "boo boo" at the weekend and tried covering it with makeup. Their respective (loosely termed) agents (assuming they don't share one... that being Jordan) probably banged their heads together in a vain attempt to rouse a bubble of public interest.
Number eight was the less-than-charming ex-pimp Heidi Fleiss. She's most famed for being married to Tom Sizemore, and being imprisoned for three years for operating a glorified brothel for mindless Hollywood sorts out of their minds on coke - before transforming herself into the female version of Pete Burns. It came as no surprise that her first words upon entering the house were directed towards Stephen Baldwin: "I know that face." He responded, "It's been a long time, pal" (under other circumstances it might have been touching, but we were just left with the visual of several Baldwins snorting substances off hired flesh. Grim). Everyone else seemed about as enthused to see her as she was them. Although she did seem to warm to Nicola T towards the end, informing her of the joys of prostitution ("It was a lot of fun"), while Stephanie lurried the champagne into her in the background.
A nondescript Swede by the name of Jonas Altberg was number 9. You might know him as Basshunter. If you happen to own any of his work (those being Now You're Gone and All I've Ever Wanted), I fear for you. His brand of Euro club bounce dance sh*te is inexplicably popular amongst many, so it was a surprise to see him in the line up (although he probably has a new album out shortly). The attending crowd went frighteningly wild when he appeared in his cumberbund, and said to Davina of his new housemates "I'm going to touch bass, and then I'm going to do some hunting"... He dutifully introduced himself as Jonas to all inhabitants and was left with blank stares. Everybody looked doubly shunted when the Reidernator requested his surname. Jonas did drop a hint saying he'd just come from a very long New Year's Eve party... Still no pennies dropping.
Ronnie Wood's 18 month indiscretion made it number 10. The model/artist came out to a barrage of boos (as did all the females, bar Stephanie) and GaGa's Paparazzi. She walked too far down the runway, before giggling at Davina's question of "Does Ronnie know you're in the house?" Ekaterina replied: "Yes, he's still a friend so supports it." That's very good of him given the recent headlines of 'I Feared Ronnie Would Kill Me', 'Ronnie Nearly Drove Me to Suicide' and 'Ronnie Wood: Evil Goblin King' which contained the slicing line "what's the point of being with an older man if he acts about 12?"
Finally, someone who everyone in the house recognised. I bet none of them thought that, one day, they'd find comfort and validation in the company of Vinnie Jones. The footballer, turned "rock star" (remember, he released a rendition of Someone To Love from the Blues Brothers...), turned actor (thanks Guy Ritchie) has piled on a few but has the volatile presence the Celebrity Big Brother house needs. He's probably not going to bite anyone's nose off, but one can live in hope.
So, they were all in, wittering away all at once, not listening to anybody but themselves. Beacham seemed intent on finishing her story about the time herself and Joan Collins "fell off a banister" but was shouted down by Big Brother's disembodied voice. The housemates were informed they were to partake in an "Ice breaker task", which involved all of them shimming into some sort of devil mini sporting a red merkin as a goatee. After being ignored the first time, Big Brother had to "ominously" repeat that all celebrities had to forced themselves into the mini, or else face the consequences... Dun, dun, DUUUUUUN!!! They all managed to shimmy in, in about 2 minutes, despite Sisqo, Bowers and the walking Claire's Accessories stall firstly inserting themselves into the boot; Heidi insisting that "all the men get in first"; and Sisqo nearly causing mass hysteria with his repeatedly squeaking something about being small. Instead of providing a reason for Big Brother to dole out a punishment on the head that didn't manage to squeeze into the car, the scenario only served to prove that it's true what they say about all celebrities being a fraction of their size in real life.
A suitably anticlimactical start to the proceedings. Then again, last year's fare was always going to be a hard act to follow.
