Guess who lay in the scratcher last night, peering at the telly (that keeps turning itself down of its own accord... the small grey box is very old), scrawling notes through bleary peepers (yes, I'm quibbling with the 10pm broadcast time. How very rock 'n roll), which were then left at home... And they were truly magic. In other words, this is from hazy, half-assed memory.

As expected, the first half of the show was pretty much a repeat of the launch night, except we got to see the unnerving extent to Nicola T's rampant ineptitude. Her partner must require the intellectual stimulation of a mountain goat, for she is as thick as the skin on swine slop. And she's not even endearing with it, like Brian Belo, or Samanda, or Jedward, she's just plain stuuuuuupid. "Oh, what's that?" "Oooh, what does that mean?" "What does 'dope' mean?" Um, in the context Sisqo was using it, it means 'cool'. In every other context, please reference yourself.

Her best cock up of the night was when she said to Stephanie Beacham "are you, like, an actress?" "Yes, dear, I'm like an actress..." a remark which nearly caused Stephen Baldwin to rupture. He, after all, had to endure the T's presence on a one to one level when she entered the house second. The poor greasy one was subjected to a barrage of "What do you do then? GAWHD, I should just watch more telly or films 'cause I don't know anything" (this begs the question, what would Nicola do if faced with a broadsheet? Bar fashion it into a bikini). When informed that he was in a wee film called The Usual Suspects, she cried "Oh, was you him?! Was you the one?!" leading Stephen to ruin the ending of the film for the five people who've yet to see it.

In saying all that, however, Nicola is in possession of some form of self awareness. When Stephanie asked Stephen whether he was an Obama advocate (to which he replied, "NO, Obama is horrible!" Something he had to say considering he pledged to leave the US if the current president got elected) - and Sov started moaning that conversation had turned to politics and they hadn't even been in the house for five minutes - Nicola said she was going to stay out of it 'cause she basically hadn't got a clue regarding the subject matter. A feeling she no doubt straddles with gusto on a regular basis.

An unlikely alliance between Stephanie and Heidi emerged (Stephen is trying his damndest to create one of his own, admitting that - although he's been married for 20 years [he must've made Heidi's acquaintance over two decades ago, so] - he would like to explore the "platonic crush" he allegedly has on Ms Beacham). Upon hearing that Heidi had traded in the sex industry in favour of housing actual exotic birds ("McCaw's, the pimps of birds"), as well as setting up her own dog kennels and a classy Laundromat (cue Nicola: "What's a Laundromat?") that folk get dressed up in order to attend. Stephanie found this incredibly sensible; seemingly she's always wanted to own a Laundromat, and has been known to Skype her two puppies "every day."

Heidi hasn't won everyone over, however, namely one Vinnie Jones. When earwigging in on a "conversation" between the Reidernator and Jones about training techniques, she said: "So what were you?" Vinnie replied in an American accent: "A soccer player, honey." "And now you're a famous actor?" Heidi said. When Vinnie nodded through gritted gnashers, announcing he's been in (get this) "about 50 films", she quipped, "Wow, you must be a real famous actor..." Sisqo then unwittingly leapt to Vinnie's defence, saying he only watched X Men the other day, and set about roaring, "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I AM THE JUGGERNAUT!" Maybe Vinnie was just taking some rage out on Heidi after Alex said Jones "used to be a bad boy, not so much anymore, but he has still got a bit of the image." Vinnie had no option to reply with the the old nugget, "We all get older, it will happen to you mate, don't worry." Speaking of which, you can expect to see his 45th birthday being celebrated on tonight's show.

Some other news in brief: Katia clearly wants to get it on with Basshunter; Sov is proving to be endearing, probably through her overuse of the terms "small" and "little"; according to The Sun, the show's bosses want Jordan to appear on the show to host some All Star Mr and Mrs styled affair to see who knows her better - Dane or Alex (however, her spokesperson did feebly say: "She wants the show to be about Alex, not her"); the show's bosses are also miffed Alex refused to drag up as Roxanne for the launch show, instead opting to come "dressed like Olly Murs from The X Factor". A source said: "Alex may well be a high-profile figure but what has he actually got to say? He is famous for punching people and hanging off Jordan's arm. Hopefully he is bluffing and has sneaked in something in his suitcase for when his conversation isn't cutting it." Or he could always wriggle into some of Stephanie's pearl dribbled dresses. To be honest, judging from last night's show, the man would have no qualms getting dressed up if it meant bagging something he considered desirable: "I dress up for fun - they've just blown it way out of proportion. If it's going to get me a hot woman, which it did (questionable), I'll dress up - frilly knickers - whatever." That's kindred spirits right there.

Lastly, in case anyone is still interested in the whole 'fabricated blatantly for the purpose of PR' sham that is Alex and the origin of Dane's hurty eyebrow, the latter again stipulated that it had nothing to do with the former. Dane simply decided to get into the middle of a scrap at 5am in the morning that didn't concern him. This led Stephanie, who should just be crowned the winner as of immediately, to refer to him as "scrappy" and ask if he was "a silly drinker" (yes to both, considering he wound up in Jordan's bush a few months back). Dane also took the time to jaunt to the Diary Room at 2am to say he feels for Alex as he is in "a high profile relationship, so he's had a lot to deal with, while I've not really done anything in a long time... Hopefully we can get on and grow to be friends, which I don't remotely see... uh... you know, uh, a problem with and that's actually more probable than not."

Last night's highlights: Lady Sov exclaiming "Boys look at this, you lot will be happy" upon seeing a load of clowns with open mouths at the head of each bed... Big Brother asking a tee total recovering alcoholic to fetch two bottles of champagne from the Diary Room... Heidi shouting "NO! Thank God for abortion" when asked if she had any kids...  Last night's lowlight: Nicola's thong story...  What we can expect tonight: No idea, except the Vinnie's birthday thing. Although they might show that tomorrow. Oh, they might send in some porn star with seriously wonky baps who's dated both Alex and Dane. Last night, Jordan (who's clearly being paid to be a BB cheerleader) tweeted: "Gossip heard a model called vicki thomas who is an ex of danes an alexes is going in house bring it on bb how funny love it xx." Sure you do.

Behold some initimate shots of Basshunter and the thick one in the bathroom.