'Womaniser, Wimminozzzer, Remineezer, WEEZEEEWEEZOR'. That's been the soundtrack to my weekend. There was the footage of her miming onstage in Germany on Thursday. Then there was a costume change (a red corset this time) and further miming on Friday at Star Academy in France (I'll hazard a guess and say it's the French version of the X Factor). Then, the big one, more miming on Saturday night at the X Factor.
All in all, things went as expected. Reports in today's Mirror say Britney "refused to use a Winnebago motorhome at the studios in North West London, like other stars. She was given Cowell's green room as a dressing room." The paper goes on to suggest that she only agreed to pose for one photo with the judges in a hallway by a fire escape; and pretty much ignored Simon Cowell before hightailing it to London's G.A.Y. for a birthday celebration (where fans would've been grateful for a shoddily mimed rendition of gurgling androids, alas, she didn't make it onstage). A source said: "You have never seen so many heavies. Even around the judges' dressing rooms was sealed off by Britney's security people. When the judges went to meet her, her security wouldn't let anyone past."
All I can say is, thank God for Britney's arse, which put on a stunning show and was no doubt stuffed into a snugger pair of pants after Miley Cyrus put in an entertaining performance (although, I could've just been shell-shocked by seeing her moving, having only ever seen her in 2D pictorial form before. Surveying her emitting tuneful noises while bouncing about the place gave her new purpose). If only Britney bent over during her painful obligatory post performance patter and let it have a banter with Dermot O'Leary. She looked shell shocked that someone was attempting to engage her with words. When he asked her if she had a good time: "Yes, awesome, thank you." When asked what she thought of the acts performing her songs, and being backstage, she said: "Amazing, I met so many different people, the place is beautiful and I love being here in London, it's awesome." Finally, question three regarding any advice she might have for the remaining contestants: "Good luck - and just, um, keep doing it!" Motivational. Jamie, you might want to consider introducing less globally generic answers into her programme, people might become suspicious regarding her level of sincerity.
Regarding the confused answer when asked what she thought of the contestants singing her songs - she didn't have a ball's notion as, allegedly, she didn't watch the show. Afterwards, when huddled in a hallway for aforementioned photo op, Simon asked her if she'd seen the performances and she simply offered "no". A witness said: "Everyone was stunned she admitted that she hadn't watched the show. There's a TV in the dressing room. Simon tried to have a conversation, but Britney was pretty vacant. In the end he just walked off."
At last, the real reason why Britney joined Madonnandroid onstage a few weeks back has become clear: she was getting classes from the robot master. The regalia, throwing men about onstage, and the dubious miming. Isn't that partly the reason why people pay to see Madonna? It's akin to a glorified (and severely overpriced) sideshow: "look at the amazing middle-aged fling her sinewy limbs about alarmingly".
The same could be said for the Britney circus. The hyped up X Factor intro, which lasted almost as long as the mimefest itself, was mind boggling. The one person who didn't sing on the night got all the hype. Why? Because the public can't help but marvel at the bizarre. At the risk of giving the broken record a whirl - however amazing her physical transformation, it's clearly FAR too premature for her to be wheeled out in such a manner.