*Dabs eyes* OK, so here we have it. Shiny, shiny... shiny swatches of satin... TOO much damn satin, in fact. A lot of people got it right at Saturday's British Soap Awards, like Roxanne McKee. Unlike most of the other Hollyoaks birds, she kept it simple and clean, while showing off some cracking legs. Katherine Kelly (AKA Becky off Corrie) donned quite this demure yet sexy little number (you might also enjoy the back). She's been throwing on some decent stuff for the slew of awards she's had to cart her bones along to this year. Emma Rigby just about carried off her Barbie pink sheath (although it seems to be throttling her breasts and her head's turning into a lollypop), while this colour is stunning on the gobby bird who plays Chelsea off EastEnders. It must've taken some restraint for her not to whip out the pins. Even Gail Platt got it right. Although the neckline makes it look like her neck and head are on the wrong way round. You know, like when Meryl Streep's head does a 360 in Death Becomes Her. This leads us seamlessly on to...
Those Who Almost Got it Right:
Kara Tointen (EastEnders): Is it me, or does her dress look like it's making a bid for escape stage right. Also, a pinky hue might suit her skin tone slightly better.
Barbara Windsor (EastEnders): the shape compliments hers, but the material evidently got creased to bits in the car on the way over. She's also wearing far too much make up. One's face and dress should never be in competition. It's best to let one do the talking. Brace yourself for the close up. She too falls into the realm of lady Gremlin from The New Batch.
Tupele Dorgu (Corrie): Predictable for her. Also not keen on how the hemline looks like Tupele was hacking at it with a scissors before she left her house.
Natalie Emmanuel (Hollyoaks): I like this, while not entirely sure why. It's different, but something's awry. Is it the (I'm guessing) Louboutins? Maybe a simple sandal might've been better.
Samia Smith (Corrie): We know she's pregnant, but does that warrant the illusion of droopage already?
Jennifer Metcalf (Hollyoaks): Very nice fit, the material hangs deliciously off her but the pattern says 'Space Invaders on a PCP flashback'.
As for Vickey's Binns (Corrie), which are jutting out at splendid angles; they are encased in a cute dress but the fabric lets it down (the length is also worth mentioning). It too looks like it has the capacity to crease like old lady cleavage.
Scott Malsen and Rita Simons (EastEnders): Kudos to Rita for not opting for a dress, however the trousers seem to be suffering a bout of bunching. And you'd think Scott might've chosen something that wasn't from Jack's wardrobe.
Some Got it Very wrong:
Michelle Keegan (Corrie): continued her quest to continually clash with everything in her vicinity... and don't get me started on this random addition.
Alison King (Corrie): Dumpy Mc Stump's mid-life frump. How can one dress make you look like your breasts are hoiked up around your shoulders while giving the legs of a Dachshund? She's all torso and her hair's better down. Although she's just after expelling a child so we'll leave her off.
Brooke Vincent (Corrie): Sophie, Sophie, Sophie. We know you're desperate to steal attention off Rosie, to the point of mania, but that doesn't mean you should actually fashion your choice of apparel out of materials you might find in a mental hospital.
Hollie-Jay Bowe (Hollyoaks): WRONG. And don't lose any more weight.
Hannah Waterman (ex-EastEnder/spawn of Dennis): Another garish, ill-fitting ensemble, which does little for her legs. She's got the further insult of a deflated bow AND Gary Hobbs hanging off her.
Kym Marsh (Corrie): Too shiny, too short, too boxy. Another poxy bow.
Lauren Crace (ex-EastEnders): A paper lantern I made in school, with a strap stapled on (quite possibly trying to resemble another friggin' bow) and I think she's carrying a bag. If it needs propping up by a splayed limb, it needs leaving at home.
And the remainder were just 'meh' (mostly consisting of those off Emmerdale). With the exception of Madge from Neighbours. I hope she's horsing into the HRT as she appears to be sprouting an appendage. On the upside, she seems pleased with it's progress. Speaking of phantom phalluses; Minty's took Heather by surprise and managed to propel her into the air. Impressive. Not as glorious as Heather reciprocating, however. Speaking of phantom wangs (part II), the fright who plays Shirley was nowhere to be seen.
Sorry, what's that? You want to know the winners? Et voila.
Sexiest Male: Scott Maslen (Jack Branning, EastEnders)
Sexiest Female: Michelle Keegan (Tina McIntyre, Corrie... the voting males must like dorty lookin' women)
Villain of the Year: Gray O’Brien (Tony Gordon, Corrie)
Best Actor: Robert Kazinsky (Sean Slater, EastEnders)
Best Actress: Katherine Kelly (Becky Granger, Corrie)
Best Comedy Performance: EastEnders: Nina Wadia (Zainab Masood)
Best Dramatic Performance: Doctors: Anita Carey (Vivien March)
Best Dramatic Performance for a Young Actor or Actress: EastEnders: Maisie Smith (Tiffany Dean)
Best Exit: Coronation Street: Rob James-Collier (Liam Connor)
Best Newcomer: Coronation Street: Craig Gazey (Graeme Proctor)
Best On-Screen Partnership: EastEnders: Nitin Ganatra and Nina Wadia (Masood Ahmed and Zainab Masood)
Best Storyline: Doctors: Vivien's Rape (lovely)
Spectacular Scene: Emmerdale: Victoria Falls Through The Ice
Best Single Episode: Doctors: 'A Kind of Hush'
Lifetime Achievement Award: Barbara Windsor (Peggy Mitchell, EastEnders)
Special Achievement Award: Peter Whalley (Writer, Coronation Street)
And, despite the last award, Best Soap went to EastEnders. Oooh, did we mention Doctors is also a BBC soap? And that the awards were held at BBC headquarters. Just sayin', is all.