Well. Breffny showed us a fine set of balls last night - when he curled his babysoft mitts into fists and almost let them fly at Brendan. They were almost the size of Aoiffe's eyes. But more on that in a beat.
This week's task was beset by Spar. They challenged teams Platinum and Cuchulainn to devise two Christmas themed treats to raise awareness for suicide in Ireland. Platinum, headed by Steve, were torn between a miniature bear wielding a candy cane, and a product called Rudolph's Whoopsies - for those who want to eat sh*t when they're feeling low around the party season. Steve, who was championing the poo pellets, had to give in to his three subordinates - Lucinda, Sam and Stephen - who repeatedly pointed out that edible faeces is rarely the way to go.
Cuchulainn, meanwhile, went for something which resembled a tube of brightly coloured pills *hangs head* It started out as jellybeans in a festive cracker, but PM Brendan insisted turning "the tried and tested product" of Jellybeans in a tube into a cracker would "erode" their budget. Instead of actually finding out if this was "100%" the case, he mumbled something to the remnants of his team - Ruth, Aoiffe, Breffney and Geraldine - about it being "price prohibitive". In short, he wasn't arsed doing it. This did not please Breffny, who was crackers about the cracker idea.
Products in place (after some scalpel handy work courtesy of Breffny; all the festive labels that Aoiffe had helped designed featuring a jovial Santa bean were blackballed by the official Jellybean people for "humanizing their bean", so that image needed to be lanced), it was time for the pitches. Steve, in complete contrast to last week, let Sam do pretty much anything she wanted. In fact, he probably would've let her do a nativity reenactment in which she births the Luv Bear. Instead, she went with turning the pitch into an eerie nursery rhyme about Luv Bear. It went something like this. "Luv, is a strong emotion, and our cute, loveable adorable bear, is named after Luv... So, what's love go to do with it?! Again, we've gone with a little bit of humour on this one... We're going to ask our customers *points at an alarmed looking Steve's t-shirt* 'Looking for love this Christmas?!' We feel once they see this t-shirt, they've no option but to purchase the Luv Bear!" Um, why? Is she going to sing people into submission at Spar's several hundred points of purchase nationwide? "What's love got to do with it?!" indeed.
Sam wasn't the worst, though. Geraldine looked like she was going to explode with laughter, upon stepping forth to gleefully bark about the "POSITIVE MESSAGES" on the back of their not-so-festive-in-fact-just-Jellybean-tubes, one of which included "SPILL DE BEEEYENS!"
On to the boardroom (cue receptionist purring "You can go in now" while elbowing her boobs together), where Bill was quick to point out that both teams' ideas were a pile of Rudolph Whoopsies. Platinum had gone with a cuddly bear, like every other charidee under the sun, while Cucuhlainn had simply gone for Jellybeans. As pointed out during The Apprentice: You're Fired (which featured Derry Clarke, yer wan from Spar HQ, and a Brian Dowling who could not stop shouting), they could've just had red and white Jellybeans making it more festive. Or just turned the bleedin' product into a cracker...
After insisting it was "price prohibitive", Bill rumbled Brendan for bluffing his research, saying that - presumably after getting a TV3 runner to do some sums - he believed it was possible to producer the cracker for 81 cent: "25 cent cheaper than what you rolled out". Brendan wasn't the only person to cock things up, however: Aoiffe (who works in marketing, let's not forget) barely got the sponsors on the tube, while Ruth tried to diddle the vat man out of €27k. In saying that, however, the buck always stops with the project manager, and Brendan had signed everything off.
It will come as little surprise to hear that Spar went for the small yoke filled with dubious stuffing - that being the Luv Bear. Sam's "really, really reeeeeally annoying voice" (thanks Stephen) bizarrely threatening pitch obviously didn't put them off. Nope, not even the manic head bobbing, face gurning or the "Sure isn't he gorgeous!" didn't deter them, thus proving how utterly defunct the miniature barrel of Jellybeans were.
Brendan could've brought VAT shirking Ruth back into the boardroom with him. Exhibiting just how limited he is, he chose to go with Breffny - the only person who had a decent idea ("I reeeeally want to go for the crackers") - and his alleged love interest, Aoiffe. If it was a last ditch attempt to prove to his girlfriend that "she meant nothing", it failed miserably. Firstly, Aoiffe surmised things beautifully when Bill asked her one of the three questions he repeatedly asks each week: "You shouldn't fire me because Brendan has lost four times. I brought him to his first win last week." Oh, and secondly, Brendan's girlfriend has since dumped him. He made this revelation in today's Irish Daily Mail. He insists the split had little to do with the Aoiffe situation. He's probably right - if he normally goes around sporting Edna from Emmerdale headwear.
So, what of his alleged affair with Aoiffe? He says nothing happened - "would I have brought her into the boardroom otherwise?" Yes. Because she either made you feel inadequate at some stage, or you both had one of those "I couldn't be here without you! Let's go down together!" conversations in the wee, wine-filled hours of a morn.
As for Breffny, here's a transcript of his impassioned, boardroom gurgle, which was - no word of a lie - almost impressive:
Breffny: "People assume I don't know what I'm talking about... They think I should just be a teaboy. I'm a Harvard graduate... You need to trust my intuition!" Lorraine Tighe, anyone? At one point, he even raised his fists towards Brendan, whereupon he mumbled "I... I need to calm myself down."
The show's highlight, bar Bill informing Brendan he had no integrity before firing him, or Brian informing everyone that Steve and Stephen blew over half their budget on a few t-shirts and baseball caps, was this final conversation.
Bill: Did you say you have a Harvard Degree. What in?
Bill: Well you better start picking up some common sense pretty fast.
Shhhhh, Bill. Common sense doesn't make for good TV.
Next week, it's all about hair nets and well dodgy wigs.