Everybody's banging on about Alex and Sisqo in their mankinis (I'll spare you the photos... OK, WENN don't have them available), but these ones of Ronnie Woodz'zzz'z ex getting her leg over a bloke she keeps insisting is "too clean cut" for her.

And, I have to come clean, and say - who could blame her *ducks*. Sorry, but did no one else feel exorbitantly sorry for Jonas last night? Basshunter - NO, BURN ALL HIS RECORDING EQUIPMENT AND MELT HIS HANDS IN THE PROCESS - but Jonas? Yes. He's just there, building a snowman like a horny teenager who wanks 25 times a day, and suddenly his play is shattered by "the tree of temptation." The tree, which housed a salt shaker, informed him that if he sprinkled salt in one of his housemates' bed, Stephanie Beacham would get the 1000 thread count sheets she keeps banging on about. If he didn't comply, he would face the consequences.

Jonas opted to round up the housemates and tell them what had happened, and he didn't quite get the reaction he was expecting (although he did get Katia's baps in his face as she hugged him from a height). Stephanie, upon hearing the reward said, "I really wish you'd done that." While Dane admitted he would've done it as "it's a game". Sov said he should've done it as she could "handle something like that" (a statement that served to bite her later on). Sisqo was the only person who gave Jonas credit for what he did, saying he respected him even more. Oh, and - again - Katia shoved her baps in his face.

Tiresome story short, Jonas had to pick someone to enter the large task room and face a punishment with him. He chose probably the worst person possible (for him, not us. It was marginally amusing viewing for us) - that being Sov. When she asked why, he said it was because she boldly announced earlier that she could "handle" things. She was lying. As soon as she walked in she was pissy about the food: "I f***ing hate apples". Then Jonas's hit All I Ever Wanted started playing on repeat. The first time round, he took her by the hands and sang it to her. And, to be fair, he's got a fine set of (lung) pipes on him, in a balladry way. However, by the fourth time it played, she was freaking out, yammering "For f**k's sake, we could be in here for HOURS" and "WHY did you ever make this song?!" Indeed. All Jonas could do was look uncomfortable, pretend to have tourettes again, yet he somehow mystically avoided barking that his management were 'F***ING C***BAG C***S' for putting him in that situation.

The rest of the housemates, meanwhile, were talking about the pair's plight, with Nicola invariably getting things wrong again ("If anyone can make entertainment in there, it's Jonas and Sov"), it's that damn midget attention span of hers, while Stephen and Sisqo made up a song ('cause an ad break can't go by without Sisqo bleating out a few bars beforehand) about they having to cuddle (which then turned to "bone") each other to stay warm during the night. This thought seemed to pain Katia enormously, what with the swift blinking of the eyes. One could almost see the dancing across her brain: "Oh. I wonder why he didn't ask me to go in with him... Is it because I accused him of crying when he probably was, because he feels alienated from the group? I then overshared by jovially telling him I was instrumental in Ronnie and Jo Woods' divorce... I should really try to exact some boundaries. Especially since Jonas thought I was describing the plot of some show I was in." Hence why, upon his release, she was quick to discard her trousers and share a bed with him. Shame he has a girlfriend he's failed to speak about.

Her name is Olivia Maria. She is a 22-year-old model from Jonas's native Sweden, and she has been seeing him on and off for a few years. A source told The Sun: "But unfortunately, he doesn't always treat her right. They've split up a number of times in the past and it's usually over other girls. Olivia says she doesn't mind but we can all tell it's upsetting for her. She didn't think that he would pretend she didn't exist to this extent. For a man with Tourette's he's certainly good at keeping some things to himself (I wished he'd kept his 25 times a day habit to himself, but sure you can't have everything). She knows he's trying to win the show, but she is still feeling hurt."

The Sun even squeezed a few words out of the lady herself: "I talked to him the day before. We're dating. I can't mention Katia. I don't want to comment." Not even on these lovely snapshots into your boyfriend's current goldfish bowl?

In other news: Alex really needs to cover his hairless chocolate body up more, it's making me feel squeamish; Stephen Baldwin needs to stop bitching about the laundry situation; Heidi managed to extract herself from her bed when she was informed that Stephen was teaching Alex some boxing moves Mike Tyson at 2.30am in the car park of a delicatessen a few years back; Stephen would miss Dane the least: "He chops a good cucumber and griddles a mean salmon but, really, what good is he?"; Sov snogged Katie Perry in New York in April last year; Heidi made 10million dollars one year, pimping out women when she was 27; Vinnie has a fondness for car noises and robins; and Stephanie still looks good even when she's drowning herself in a bath fully clothed.

Oh, and there's a surprise eviction tonight on Channel 4 at 9.00pm and 10.35pm.