This page is awash with masters of delusion, therefore this cretin fits in nicely.

Bertie enjoyed his last stint sitting on the bench yesterday. Yet another self-serving sh*tehawk departing before ministers' inexplicably inflated pensions get an overhaul. Assuming they're getting overhauled... they are getting overhauled aren't they?!

If you're not aux fait with the current ministerial pension, let us quote from Mario Rosenstock's version of A-House's Endless Art: "'We cannot afford idleness, waste, or inefficiency': Eamon De Valera... Noel Dempsey, Transport, 2008 - 2011, pension €313,000... Willy O'Dea, Defence, 2008 - 2010, pension €270,000... Dermot Ahern, Justice and Law Reform, 2008 - 2011, pension €310,000... All gone. But still hanging around. Masters of their arts... 'There is almost nothing on this earth that the people of this country cannot do better or as well as other people, once they apply their minds to it': Sean Lemass... Mary Harney, Health, 2008 - 2011, pension €310,000... Brian Cowen, 2008 - 2011, Taoiseach, €310,000..."

And so it goes on (you can listen to it on the Today FM website under Gift Grub podcasts). If any of the minsters in question actually heard it - instead of feeling a huge surge of deserved shame, they'd probably think, "How did that fecker Dempsey land an extra 3 grand?"

But back to the be-beh-bah-beh-b*ll*cks that greeted me on the evening news. Ruddy faced and smirking throughout, Bertie Ahern - who is no doubt opting for early retirement because he was "forced to forgo €83,000 per annum until after he retires from Dail" (by the by, his pension package is in the region of €378,711. He also gets a chauffeur driven Mercedes S-Class 'til the day he dies. In addition to this, the Daily Mail reports he earned around €467,200 from "speaking engagements - while €6,000 of taxpayers' cash was used to pay his fees for VIP lounges in airports across the globe, because all former Taoisigh are entitled to have their airport costs paid by the State...") - shat in the face of all Irish citizens. Apologies, he defecated in our faces a long time ago; this was him rubbing the festering faeces well and truly in.

Here is a transcript of what was said when RTE's Gavin Jennings talked to a willing Bertie outside the Leinster House yesterday afternoon:

Gavin Jennings: "Bertie, this is you going to be your last day in the Dail?"
Bertie: "Yeah, my last full day. I'm told by the whip I'll have to come in on Saturday night, which will be an unusual thing (it's probably just their weekly "bondage and bank note orgy", no?), but after 34 years here, practically every day ('cause ministers also get a monetary bonus for darkening their place of work), it is the end."
GJ: "Will you miss it?"
Bertie: "Kind of, it's not..."

And then he had the pleasure of being interrupted by Joan Collins. Not the Joan Collins, this was a very honest to jaysis Joan who I'd hug given the opportunity. Here's what she had to say: "Are you not ashamed to be coming out here on the streets when people like ourselves are getting cuts in their wages (approximately €200 a month each) and taxes and all that? You have no shame, going on television for the past two days mouthing out of yourself, shame on you." This was greeted by a customary sneer, and a "Thank you."
Joan didn't end there: "No, not 'thank you'. I'm fed up. I'm working. I'm getting less money in my paycheck. How dare you." If there was an accessible fountain nearby she would've pushed him in there with the aid of a shoulder pad.
Annoying lady batted away, the interview continued, with Jennings poignantly saying: "Your biggest regret leaving here today?"
Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern responded: "I would have loved if somebody somewhere would have told me what was going on in the banks but nobody ever did. You get wise after the event."


And, as if that gross showcase of designed ineptitude wasn't enough, he finished with: "I still think we didn't get a proper national infrastructural stadium, and I think unfortunately, when I see a little countries like Qatar and Kuwait talking about their ten stadiums and we never succeeded in getting one national stadium, that's an achievement I tried hard to do but I didn't get."

Indeed, Bertie, you really let the country down by not even managing to get your vanity project off the ground. Too busy building paper apartment blocks constructed from brown envelopes.

To clarify, Bertie Ahern's biggest regret isn't handing over a poisoned pint glass to Brian Cowen on April 2nd 2008. He doesn't regret never apologising to the Irish people for the part he so evidently played in cocking up the country. The thought of letting down the individuals who, for some reason, repeatedly voted for him doesn't even keep him awake at night. It's not the Mahon tribunal that cost the tax payer millions that he's embarrassed about, or the literary dirge-riddled dross his daughter churns into Hollywood movies, when she's not jovially winking at us at the end of Littlewood adverts. It's the phantom buggering be-beh-bah-beh-Bertie Bowl.

Enjoy our money, your lucrative televised fireside chats, your after-dinner speeches in Honduras and Madrid, your artist tax exemption for your books, 'cause - sooner or later - instant karma's going to get you.

It bloody better, cause I've no idea what else will.