*sings* The BBC DG has taken it to the maaax regarding Andrew Saaaaachs. See, this's what happens when you try to get down with the kids, Jonathan. Lay thine eyes on this lot which came from Director General Mark Thompson:
"I would like to add my own personal and unreserved apology to Andrew Sachs, his family and to licence fee payers for the completely unacceptable broadcast on BBC Radio 2. BBC audiences accept that, in comedy, performers attempt to push the line of taste. However, this is not a marginal case. It is clear from the views expressed by the public that this broadcast has caused severe offence and I share that view. The investigation that I instructed Tim Davie to conduct is nearing completion, and I am returning to London (poor Mark is on holidays) to review the findings and, in the coming days, announce what action we will take. In the meantime, I have decided that it is not appropriate for either Russell Brand or Jonathan Ross to continue broadcasting on the BBC until I have seen the full report of the actions of all concerned. This gross lapse of taste by the performers and the production team has angered licence payers."
Thompson didn't really have any alternative but to suspend the duo considering Ofcom, if they find the BBC in breach of the Broadcasting Code, will slap the station with a £250k fine. I'm sure Ross, given his salary, could cover that mere pocket change. Speaking of Ross - it's unclear whether the pre-recording of his Friday Night show will go ahead today. Bad news for Sir David Attenborough, Miley Cyrus, The Killers and, most of all, Frank Skinner. Sterling news for Gerry Ryan, however, who's probably jammed the BBC switchboard with news of his recent presenting endeavours.
Is it just me or has this story snowballed to Brass Eye proportions? OK, it's universally inappropriate to leave profane messages on the answering machines of the elderly but Andrew Sach's granddaughter, Georgina / Voluptua, is ripping the mick. She can be found in today's edition of The Sun, dressed as Elvira, saying: "I want them sacked... Russell Brand has embarrassed me by making a private relationship very public in the cruellest way imaginable. We were lovers but I trusted him as a friend as well. He has betrayed me for a few cheap laughs and left my grandfather distraught. Is that what the BBC calls entertainment?" Hey, the BBC call Little Britain, The Wrong Door and My Family entertainment, so why not?!
Let's put our serious hats on for a moment though. Georgina, if you'll join me - I have a witchy one for you. OK - you did sleep with Russell Brand, so this isn't some arbitrary claim he made up. Yes, it's demeaning for news of your union to be broadcast on radio, but it's Russell Brand, what do you expect... Discretion? 95% of his stage show contains frantic air-humping, in depth tales of threesomes and an open invite to the female portion of the audience to fornicate after his set. The only way to deal with these juveniles is to a maintain dignified silence and let people assume they made the whole thing up. That's far more damning. But, I understand you're probably trying to get a bit of PR out of this so you had to divulge something extra to the press.
As for Andrew saying: "She's very upset at having put her family through this and she feels very guilty." Um, does Granddad know you're a burlesque dancer with the Satanic Sluts Xtreme? Actually, "dancer" denotes finesse, timing and grace, when all you do (if your MySpace is anything to go by) is bend over repeatedly and simulate sex acts before being chucked aside. Dita Von Teese you are not.
*Update: Russell Brand has now quit the BBC...