I went to see Frankie Boyle last night in Vicar Street, and while I was nervously giggling uncontrollably due to the sheer horrific lunacy at half the sh*te he was spouting, I noticed a few female cohorts were sitting stony faced. Why did they go? Aaaaah, they were with their fellahs... fellahs who will no doubt be dragged to Sex And The City 2 sooner than they think; certain cinemas dotted around the country are starting to screen the outfit fest from midnight tonight. You have been warned.
Now, it's fair (and wildly presumptious) to assume that most blokes (and a fair amount of gerrals, it has to be said) would prefer to ram a pair of stiletto heels into their peepers than watch Sarah Jessica Parker and CO gurn, gibber and twirl around implausibly majestic settings for two hours and forty minutes - but it doesn't have to be the end of the world.
If your other half insists upon you accompanying her to your local cinema - firstly, bargain with her. Perhaps suggest that she gather up a gaggle of girls, gets dressed up, goes for dinner and then roll in pissed to the Cineplex. That sounds like a lot more fun than sitting with you, scowling and twitching in your seat, now doesn't it?
However, if she starts crying softly, saying she has no mates (they're all acting funny since she was invited to the afters of so-'n-sos wedding and they weren't, etc. etc), you might just have to bite the bullet.... but not before suggesting you watch five episodes from series 3, back to back, instead. In the event that she snookers you, saying she wants to do that in conjunction with the cinema trip, don't worry, it'll stand to you - and possibly enlighten you as to where half the audience is coming from.
So, you're now giving up a potential 5 hours of your life to watch Sarah Jessica Parker. What are you going to get in return?
Behold your Sex And The City bargaining chips.
1) You get to invite your mates around to watch at least 3 World Cup matches in your house. Depending on how she reacts during (cries / digs nails into your arm while cackling) and after (spends the equivalent of two months mortgage on a pair of shoes) the film, there are these possible add ons. If she repeatedly cries and/or does the nail thing, she has to get a keg in. If the mortgage gets spent on a pair of pumps, invite her to dress up in the kit of whatever team is playing and serves nibbles at half time.
2) Subject her to 2.5 solid hours of Match Of The Day, but only the bits with Mark Lawrenson.
3) Design your own SATC card and get it laminated. It doesn't have to be pink, but it must be noticeable as she needs to be able to see it whenever it makes an appearance. It's a red card of sorts. Whenever you flash it, she has to back away from the subject matter at hand. For example, at a family gathering, if she starts disagreeing with something your overprotecting mammy is burbling about, surreptitiously flash the card behind your ma's head, whereupon your other half has to start nodding away in furious agreement.
4) She must only talk about your sex life with her friends in the most prolifically complimentary manner. She must carry a Dictaphone at all times to record these conversations.
5) It was only a matter of time before the unimaginative subject of "sexual favours" reared its head, but it has a twist. Remember those five episodes you watched back to back? As a couple, you have to replicate all of Samantha's bedroom/fire station antics.
And there you have it. Everyone's a winner.
If you have any other suggestions, please feel free to post them in the comments below. But do keep them clean, we have very vivid imaginations.
Also, we're interested in finding out just what our viewers are in to, so if you have time, do participate in our poll below.
I thank you.