Ashley - when he's not kicking a ball about, larking about with an arbitrary blonde (this week it's 29-year-old Casey Paul), or jovially shooting Chelsea interns with air rifles smuggled into the grounds - is still desperately trying to concoct a dastardly plan to win back his Geordie crumpet.

And how's he planning to do that now? By sinking his millions into a place where it's too cold inside, too hot outside, lounging on a beach in a bikini is frowned upon, and an orange juice in your local hotel retails at £25. Yes, he's buying in the romantic haven of Dubai.

Who else but The Sun reports: "During a night out with new girlfriend Casey (we've spent enough time on her already) he told a friend: 'Cheryl loves Dubai (figures) and I'm investing heavily there because of it. We love each other and we will be together again.' Cole, 30, has a new home in Ascot, Berks. He and Cheryl, 27, have met for a series of heart-to-hearts. The pal added: 'He truly believes the divorce is temporary. When he retires he sees them moving away. He says the only reason they split was because she had to be seen to act after his affairs'."

If that was the only reason she split with him, they really do belong together - in some diamond encrusted bubble in the most pretentious place on the planet.