Last night, I had what can best be described as a Twitter fart during The Apprentice. I'd been brewing it since last week thanks to an unfortunate run in with a self-assembly TV unit that wouldn't play ball, and therefore missed most of the first episode. On the upside, I learned a valuable lesson from the TV unit, do not let your partner assemble most of it on his own. They stipulate two people must bear the burden in the instructions. Not that two people are physically required to make the thing, more that there should be another person present to make tea, snap partner out of flat pack psychosis, remind them to eat/wash, etc.
For those of you who stumbled across last night's twitter fart, but didn't have access to a telly, here's who featured heavily that I usually failed to call by their real name. So far, Bill's lumped them into two groups depending on age. Team Zest are the over 30s. They are as follows:
'Jason Patric' = 32-year-old Maurice (not Morris, bold Sheena). He's from Kerry. Looks like Jason Patric. His business idea involves "A nutritionally focused restaurant" as opposed to all those sh*tboxes out there feeding us slurry.
'Danny DeVito/Hoggle off Labyrinth/David Baddiel' hybrid = 38-year-old Eoin. He's from Tyrone. Hence all the tweets last night about "MIND THE CEEEYYAARRRR!" His business idea involves Cloud Computing, which is a surprise given his preferred pastime involves being somewhere prominent by himself, shouting.
'Linda Martin' = 40-year-old Ruth. She's from Malahide, Dublin and wants Bill to help her with her "Clever Clip Bra Attachments." She also chose to impart during last night's show that she's an interior designer, and that's why the band photo shoot should not have resembled a dole queue.
And on to the under 30s, although you'd never know it to look at them, Team Spirit:
'Dom Joly': 28-year-old Christopher from County Clare. OK, he doesn't especially look like Dom Joly, it's more how he talks incessantly, is rather arrogant, and generally full of skitter (AKA "drive"). His business idea is a "social network initiative." 'Cause none of us are motivated in that regard already.
'Stewie Griffin': 20-year-old Conor. Hailing from Kildare, his business idea is "Fresh Christmas trees and wreaths". Considering he's been making Christmas wreaths since he was 11 he's probably very good at it. That and Bill is bound to love the 'uuuuurty nayture ovit.' In saying that, Conor has got a habit of saying stuff like: "I came up with Revolution Beats, so I evolved that into Evolution Beats."
Two other members of Team Spirit who have made themselves know include Aisling and Yinka (pictured left), mainly because they've gotten themselves fired already. Last week, Aisling made two mistakes. Firstly, she put herself forward to be Team Leader, when everybody knows the team leader of the losing team always gets sent home in the first episode. Her second glaring mistake was "not reading the f*ckin' brief." On the upside, at least Jackie Lavin's son got a load of PR for his Vit Hit drinks.
This week, it was all about making a compilation CD for the Irish Daily Mail's Sunday paper. The short of it is, 33-year-old Joanne's combination of "Indie Vibes", Backstage Pass(age) and placenta themed artwork won it for the over 30s. Chris, who lead team Spirit, left the CD's artwork in the hands of Yinka, who devised a rushed cover which was clearly for a happy hard core remix trad album with a very cold nude man in the middle. It also had the words Toe Tapping Talent emblazoned across the front, but - to be fair - that wasn't all Yinka's fault. Susanne, who says approximately one thing an episode and walks like a farmer, came up with that doozy. And she's only 22. Not very cool.
Despite Susanne essentially suggesting the one thing The Daily Mail panel liked the least, Chris yanked Yinka and someone called Louise (from what I can gather, she's an enthusiastic, misguided sort. Bit like that Paul Whitehouse Fast Show character who agrees with everything...) back into the booowward room to front Beeeell. As it turned out, Mr. Apples and his spangly Renault pin didn't want to go into business with Yinka, even though she could've cultivated him a magnificent mullet (her business model involved high end hair extensions), you know, to go with the Pepe Le Pew fringe he's honing.
If you fancy following the fart next week (so chuffed was I by all your positive feedback I'm obviously doing it again, thanks), you can do so at twitter/entertainmentie #TV3Apprentice