Meeeeeeeh, this is just getting beyond boring.
So many column inches have been devoted to this story that I loathe to add to them. However, as it's the biggest story in the celebrity world today, conforming is a necessity. If I had my way, the report would go a little something like this: "Football kicking droid repeatedly cheats on wife with strumpets. This comes to light when said wife launches new career tangent (in this case, a Littlewoods ad campaign). She momentarily leaves him. Other harlots crawl out of the woodwork, most of which say he's rubbish in bed. Wife eventually takes him back. They continue making money from their sponsorship deals. The end. "
For those of you who require more detail...
Wayne Rooney just can't keep away from the prostitutes. This is a bad thing according to his uncle, John, who tweeted: "Other footballers have girls begging to have sex with them. He pays for it. Lost all my respect for him now! He's obviously got more money than sense." You see, John, Wayne probably thought a prostitute would be professional and not blab about it. At least he was willing to pay a professional, rather than stringing along a desperately deluded (and therefore volatile) WAG wannabe who gives it up for free.
Seemingly hookers are a hard habit to break for Wayne. Well, he has been frequenting them since his was 16-years-old. Coleen thought he'd given up paying for it since they married especially after the ribbing he got post his reputed bedding of a 55-year-old latex clad grandmother in 2004). To quote another one of his shy and retiring relatives, his bap-bearing cousin Natalie: "You're an utter disgrace to the family. Poor colly. I really do feel for her. Coleen was five months pregnant. It's disgusting... My heart goes out to poor Coleen. At least it weren't a granny this time, though. And you were ashamed by my flashing (at Colleen's 21st birthday party). I'm appalled."
Indeed this time Wayne's dirt bird of choice was younger; a 21-year-old who goes by the nickname Premiership Jen (something to do with her repeated servicing of footballers). He used her for sex while his wife was carrying his child. He even treated himself to a threesome: "My friend and I made an effort. We both wore identical black lacy bra-and-brief sets specially bought from La Senza (who are no doubt thrilled with the mention). Wayne told us he'd never had a threesome before. He was shy and awkward and me and my friend were left to do all the work. He didn't want us to put on a lesbian show - he was into two girls pleasuring him at the same time. But it was all over far too quickly." All that time with prostitutes and he never bothered picking up some tricks to please the wife?
Some papers are saying that Wayne's distraught and is desperately trying to contact Coleen (who's since set up camp in her parent's house with baby Kai), and he's having a "meltdown" in some hotel room in Switzerland (he's due to play in England's Euro 2012 qualifier in Basel tomorrow night), saying things like "My life is in ruins. I will do anything to make my marriage work - and I mean anything." Well, learning to be a bit more than perfunctory in the pitt might be a start.
However, other papers are reporting something slightly different; some say he informed Coleen that the news of him bedding yet more prostitutes was about to break in the Sunday papers... via text: "Coleen and Wayne were supposed to attend a family christening this weekend but they didn't show up. We found out Coleen had been getting her hair done on Saturday when Wayne texted her to break the news. He's a coward for hiding behind a text message, especially when they'd been together earlier that day." It's not all that bad, he did try soften the blow by saying it was no biggie: "She's been torn apart by this. She has every right to grab their son and walk out. The most shocking thing is he told her it was no big deal, just boys being boys. She forgave Wayne when he sleazed around with prostitutes before. Can she do it again?"
She can, and she probably will. Wayne is currently involved with Nike, Coca-Cola and EA Sports, and has previously worked for Asda, Nokia, Ford, Mercedes and Tiger Beer. In short, he's minted (not that that's the be all and end all - but in Wayne's case, it probably is. Let's face it, he's not exactly blessed aesthetically or mentally). On the back of being his missus, Coleen's managed to make £10million, between her reality TV show Coleen's Real Women; her Littlewoods ad campaign; her eight-book deal; and her two monthly columns in OK and Closer magazine... hang about... She gets £5k a month from Closer, and £41,667 a month from OK?! *makes note to get on to the Indo*.
Then again, her floundering self respect might come to the fore when she learns he tried to bed his £1,200 a turn hooker in their gaf: "Paying a girl to have sex with you is one thing. Paying a girl to come back to your marital home when your pregnant missus is out is taking it a step too far."
When a morally ambiguous prostitute has this to say about your husband, you better cop yourself on fairly lively. And don't forget to burn the sheets.