And I can reclaim... an hour of my life baaack. Last night's show was, as predicted, a load of filler, which saw Terry Christian's career come full circle. The housemates had to undertake the burden of a dare, without prior knowledge of what it entailed, in order to win tokens.
First up was Mr. Christian. He had to lick the armpit of a treacherously obese male precariously perched on top of an excercise bike. He dutifully obliged, looking hugely repulsed in the process. It was at this point re-runs of The Word's 'I'll Do Anything To Get On TV' segment should've immediately popped into his brain. It didn't until several dares later, however. We'll blame that oversight on hairy-pit trauma.
Second was LaToya, who had to lick the dubiously named Gentleman's Relish off one of the mirrors. She, quite seriously, started licking away, stating "oooh, it's so thick and salty". This is where the viewer was supposed to chortle.
Thirdly, Coolio had to submerge himself in a bath of "gross stuff". His first concern was his hair but, thankfully, Big Brother furnished him with a cap, some flippers and knee-length onsie. As he emerged from the Diary Room, Terry said "I wonder what he's thinking". Omnipotent Ulrika replied: "'Do I look Good'. That's all he's thinking". With much huffing and puffing about being given "the worst task", the 45-year-old managed to stay in the bath (of what turned out to be vegetable soup) for the required minute.
Verne was fourth up and had to blow a balloon until it burst. The production team, who I'm guessing honed each dare for each housemate, must've wanted him to pass out in the process. His housemates seemed to find this hilarious. I just found it uncomfortable for various reasons (balloons scare me). Speaking if Verne - how mental is this?!
Ulrika had to "lick a fish eyeball" which wasn't deemed interesting enough to air, while Ben had the joy of being facially molested by an aged lady's lips. It was at this point that Terry mumbled something about "just like The Word, innit".
Lastly, Tommy's dare involved the consumption of three ice drinks in under a minute, leading to a debilitating bout of brain freeze. He failed and had to go to the jail for just over an hour. Since he was wearing shorts, as customary, Big Brother provided him with what can only be described as a ravers' boiler suit from 1994.
Last Night's Highlights: Verne getting drunk again (I'm noticing a pattern; he has a heartfelt chat and then engages in somecrazed, scooter-aided rampaging)... Last Night's Lowlights: Coolio saying the following to Verne after LaToya's departure: "Hey, did you see Ulrika's face when they said Toya? She was happy... the point is, she was happy to see her go, she never liked her cuz" - Of course she looked happy, cuuuz, she's the last lady standing... Verne saying everything in his house is "regular size". I swear I've seen footage of his mini house, complete with teeny futon and desk... Tommy's departing spree of knuckle-pressing with his fellow 'bros'. You're all in your mid 40s, grow the f*ck up... What We Can Expect Tonight: Perhaps some shots of Janet and Tito Jackson who are rumoured to be turning up with LaToya... A fireworks display costing an obscene £150k... Footage of the housemates constructing departing gifts for each other, with Ulrika (weirdly) making a pendant containing an image of her likeness for Terry... That's not at all egotistical...
*UPDATE: Housemates in order of eviction went as follows: Ben, (surprisingly) Verne (I reckon his interaction with 'Mutya' had it's part to play), then Coolio, Terry took second and, shocker of all shockers, Ulrika won - with a whopping 57% of the overall vote.