Dame Helen Mirren has announced women with breast implants look like they're smuggling fruit in their bra. She said: "Breast implants are weird to me. They seem a bit like hanging a pair of oranges around your neck" (for further evidence, do make your way to today's issue of The Sun where you can see a not-at-all-posed picture of Big Brother's Aisleyne's knockers enjoying a sun holiday. Her nipples are frightening). However, when asked if she'd go under the knife (not to boost her ample assets mind, the woman's a walking advertisement for Tokophobia) the actress said: "I absolutely believe in it! Why feel miserable if you can change something?" (um, because you're lying to yourself? Or, because you can't afford the burden of vanity? OH! and because people love you the way you are?) She then went to pretty much admit that she fell in love with Liam Neeson on the set of Excalibur: "He taught me a lot of things - Northern Ireland politics, how to make a very good colcannon, an Irish potato and cabbage stew (thanks for the clarification, Helen). And he taught me about love." Then I assume she stopped talking and commenced staring wistfully off into the distance, a slight breeze tousling her hair, covering a mind consumed with thoughts of a man with the best bahogies from here to Ballanderry.