I didn't plan to write about this. Honest. It's Jedward's fault. The eyes sat glued to them for an hour last night, and they enjoyed every minute of it. That's what two days of arbitrary 'cold and flu' medications and hours of Homes Under The Hammer will do to a mind.
Like most people in the country, I've got mixed feelings about the twins. As previously stated, they instill a need to hug, throttle and pat at once. Their sheer playful ignorance of how to function on a day to day basis is infuriating yet exhilarating. It could be the meds talking, but I had fun last night watching them on ITV2 and, d'you know what, it wasn't even me who put them on, t'was the fellah. Last night's show (which can be seen tonight on TV3, plug, plug, etc), saw them move into their own apartment, only to flood it, break some fixtures, and attempt to locate the on switch for the fridge in a bin, in the space of an hour. Ordinarily, such blind stupidity would throw a reasonable sort into a rage, but they get away with it for some reason. 'Cause they're pretty. And there's two of them. Well, soak it up chungfellas, 'cause that sort of behavior will give people the creeps in approximately 20 years, you know, like carrying each other up stairs, doing each other's hair, lovingly describing the slight differences in their appearances - but for the moment, please go ferrit. In fact, do some more of those black and white moody modeling shoots... *rubs knees*
Speaking of which, Louis Walsh puts in a brief appearance, to reiterate how busy the boys are (is it any wonder when golden crutched Edward's willing to hop about a stage on one good leg, while John croaks his head off through a sore throat), so busy in fact they require a "road manager." You might recognise him as Liam from long lost reality spawned pop band, Six. It pays to stick close to Louis, all right.
Right, ramblahrama over, I merely wished to convey how I found myself watching Big Brother last night. After hour of watching Jedward attempting to swallow sushi, BB was the only other show safe to watch, anything else would've been a total intellectual overkill.
Flicking through the channels at 10pm (after series linking the Jedward thingy, I kid you not), I clocked yer wan Josie joyously ambling about the house on her todd. She won, which was about as surprising as when Pete Bennett won in 2006. Davina, in a micro mini bedazzled black dress hop, skipped and gurned her way through the ten previous housemates who were due to join Josie in the house. Here they are in order of insertion:
Chantelle. She won Celebrity Big Brother in 2004, and married her fellow housemate Ordinary Boy Preston. Since then, she changed her appearance dramatically, wrote a book called Living the Dream which Simon Amstell enjoyed thoroughly, and got divorced after 9 months. She then turned herself into one of those homogenised tannedboobedblonde thingies. On her VT, she said she wouldn't mind seeing Preston, which was just as well considering... When Davina asked her if she was "still living the dream", she hesitated for an eternity.
Preston. Please see above. Unlike Chantelle, he seemed to handle seeing his ex-wife with a certain level of detachment, while she went into full on "Oh my God" mode and near collapsed on a couch. Although she did mange to get in a "You look so small!" when hugging him hello. He replied with a mumbled "Do you come here often?" and tried to include Josie in the remnants of the conversation. During his VT, he said he was "only looking for bromance this time around."
Nadia Almada. The Portuguese transsexual who won in 2004. She's since been married and divorced. Mentioned she wouldn't be too into having "Nasty Nick next to me". She's still smoking, but she's hoping to curb any panic riddled withdrawl cravings by bringing in 200 cigarettes and a number of pouches of tobacco. When Davina finally got her into the house, she bonded with Josie over randy mares.
Brian Dowling. Our very own screaming one time trolly dolly who won in 2001. He's the only person I've ever voted for. He said he wouldn't fancy sharing a house with John McCririck (for obvious reasons) or Nick Batemen ("He said in an interview I looked like Eamonn Holmes"). He also said he likes Nikki Graham but would be liable to kill her. During his VT, Big Brother kindly offered us his unwaxed scrote again. He warned to "expect tears" and said: "As a previous winner, I'm thinking, 'What the f*** am I doing?' I'm guessing he's thinking he can't handle the career trajectory... from presenting SM:TV Live and The Mint, to TV3's Celebrity Salon (the latter of which hasn't been included on IMDB for some wild reason).
Ulrika Jonsson. That's a surprise; she was miserable throughout her stint on CBB in 2009 and yet still managed to win. She's also the only contestant regularly appearing on telly (Shooting Stars). Perhaps the clear lack of nutrients has caused her to lose reason. Or maybe they just offered her a f*** load of money. When Davina asked why she was willfully making herself miserable again, she said she "did enjoy it on reflection." When asked who she wouldn't like to be lumbered with in there, she said John McCririck.
Makosi Musambasi. Famed for doing a Geordie in a jacuzzi in 2005, before claiming she was pregnant in a bid to make herself interesting. This time around, she poured her "unattainable body" into a sequined Union Jack dress which would make the Halliwell blush. In short, she's a big pair of boobies.
John McCrrick. The horse pundit by way of a Womble pimp daddy who chomped snot throughout his 2005 CBB appearance. He announced that the public hate him, he's only doing it for the money, he wishes to be evicted immediately (he even made a little banner stating as such), and then added (presumably under the instruction of a producer) that he wanted a go off Makosi. Way to make her presence relative. Upon entering the house, he was met with his only fan, that being Joise ("I love him. If he comes in, I am well up for some horseplay with him"), to which he said"You are fantastic, we call you Bristols."
Coolio. He's lost a bit of hair. He also insisted on singing his own Ultimate Housemate rap on his way in. Crack will make you jealous of Sisqo. He then rambled stuff like "I was the best thing in there... they had a brother make a fool of hisself... I changed the BB house." Wearing a kilt, the first thing he said when entering the house was "the p is for pillow". I thought he said "pillock". His fellow 2009 CBB housemate, Ulrika, bundled her bones over for a hug but was initially blanked in favour of the pillow talk.
Nikki Graham: 2006 screech monkey. During her VT she banged on about being heartbroken by Pete, and said she'd love to see Michelle Bass, and Brian Dowling, but there was one person she didn't want to see. She didn't even "want to say its name, I don't want to give that publicity... Chantelle." Woooooooo. Constructed contention. I recall them swinging out of each other for the cameras a few years back, and now they apparently abhor each other. My brain hasn't retained why. Upon entering the house, John bellowed: "None of your tantrums with me now!" before Nadia ushered the glamour Golum away.
Nicholas Bateman. It had to be, really, didn't it. I don't recall what he said as I can't bear looking in the vicinity of his face, it gives me the bad willies. He was wearing a T-shirt which read 'It's Only a Gameshow.'
So, who's missing? Pete Bennet, Pete Burns, John Tickle, Kemal, the original Marco who wouldn't leave the swimming pool in 2004? Well, they could all be in there, for rumour has it they're sending in another two former housemates on Friday night...
Will I be watching? Maybe. It is the last one ever, innit.