That John (the Honey Monster) predictably won Big Brother... That this instigated a dream involving the closure of Channel 4 and Charlie Brooker inviting me to go deep sea Carp fishing as there was nothing on TV worthy of review anymore... That I should cease my nightly nip of chablis... That Angelina Jolie is expecting twins... That Gwen Stefani is pregnant... That X Factor's Rhydian has fallen for SimonCowell's make-up artist... That the sexually ambiguous singer said: "She's half Spanish and very beautiful. She's older than me, but that's fine with us both"... That she's 12 years older than him... That she could look older given she has to make Simon Cowell look good... That Michael Jackson will make a surprise comeback at the Super Bowl this weekend... That, when informed Ashley had drunkenly fornicated with a hairdresser, Cheryl said: "That's utter rubbish. When he is under the influence he isn't capable"... That Lindsay Lohan was seen falling off the wagon at New York club *cue Keet Duffy impression* The Box last Friday... That a source said: "Lindsay took a swig of vodka from a bottle of Grey Goose. She was trying to keep a low profile and covering her face"... That if she was really trying to keep a low profile, covering the bottle, or preferably transferring the contents into an unlabelled drinking vessel, would be more covert... That Lindsay wanted to get noticed...