All I Know Is That There Were Rumours...

That Kelly Brook and Harry Enfield have been paid a wedge to breathe life back into the Tefal brand... That, if you weren't a foetus in the mid-eighties, you should remember the original ads... That Carol Vorderman will play the thick one in this rehash - oh, the hilarity... That KerryKatona's still £82k in debt and is eyeing up the house she bought for her mother, Sue, nine years ago... I bet Sue's regretting calling her daughter an "out-of-control cokehead" not so long ago... That Britney's new single, Womanizer, has been mysteriously "leaked" online... It's mental how that KEEPS happening to most famous acts about to release a single... That Gwyneth Paltrow was seen tottering about upon a pair of diamond encrusted stilettos worth €20k at the launch of her cookery show Spain - On The Road Again... That, if a show about food doesn't grab the press' attention, outrageously ostentatious gem riddled heels are usually the way to go... That actress AmandaDonohoe, star of LA Law, Dynasty and the stage version of The Graduate, has landed a role in Emmerdale... It's safe to say her career has taken something of a nosedive... That Ronan Keating recently said: "Thom Yorke from Radiohead was pretty rude. We were at the same hotel in Dublin and I went over to say hello as I'm a big Radiohead fan (?!) and he just blanked me. I still love the music - he's just an idiot"... That, in other Ronan related happenings: "Somebody had bid £20,000 to Cancer Research UK to see Stephen and I singing together (obviously a masochist). We couldn't remember the lyrics to No Matter What and had to write them down on a napkin then rehearse it in the toilet. But we had a brilliant time"... That "Shhhhweeeshwaaaarshweeeshweee", followed by Gatley honking something along the lines of "NEEEE MEEE TEE WEEEEE" repeatedly would've done the job... That Steve Washington, a session drummer with Take That, Whitney Houston and Texas, has been sentenced to four years for "holding up a bank with a gift-wrapped music stand"... That he stole £1,200 from a Lloyd's TSB in Kent last year...  That KeanuReeves' girlfriend of five months, actress Parker Posey, is expecting his spawnling... That David Duchovney is "consulting RussellBrand's autobiography My Booky Wook in a bid to overcome his sex addiction"... That's laughable... A source said: "David has been greedily devouring Russell's pieces on the topic in his autobiography My Booky Wook, his interviews, podcasts and stand-up routines. Women throw themselves at your feet when you become a celebrity. David and Russell became dependent upon it to relax after their busy jobs"... That Russell's probably attempting to roger Tea Leoni as I type... That Tea once played a sex addict on Frasier... That very episode was on Channel 4 this morning... I watch far too much TV... That Bob Hoskins ascertains the caliber of a script by the state of his arse afterwards... Hoskins said: "Cold bum test. I take (the script) to the khazi in the morning and if I end up with a cold arse I think 'This has got to be a good script'. If you notice you've got pins and needles, you think: 'This must be a good one'"... That Matt Lucas and David Walliams believe footage of the latter wearing the face off Sting will win over the American viewing populace... That Walliams said: "Sting was well up for it. I had to kiss him four times and each time, it got longer and more passionate. He didn’t mind one bit"... That Little Britain USA is due to be aired by HBO shortly... That Dakota Fanning has finally been allowed integrate herself into school now that her parents have made enough money from her acting career... The 14-year-old said: "I am a cheerleader. Now everybody always wants me to do cheers. It's so funny. Cheerleading is so much fun, especially at your school because you get such a sense of school spirit and you're proud of your school. I love that. I'm the one that's on top of the (human) pyramid; I'm the flyer, so that's fun too"... That Dakota will aim for the tarmac one day - that's assuming a studio minion hasn't been hired as an undercover bodyguard (cue image of one lucky burly man rammed into a cheerleading outfit)... That porn star Jenna Jameson is expecting... twins... It's officially an epidemic...