That Russell Brand has been given his own Comedy Central show... The walking horn had this to say yesterday: "Comedy Central is home to South Park, The Daily Show, and The Sarah Silverman Program. I'm thrilled to have such esteemed neighbours. Particularly Sarah Silverman, whom I shall be troubling for cups of sugar and milk - breast milk"... That he then waggled his bushy brows and did a little cheeky chappy cockanny chimmanny sweep dance... That, of Dame Helen Mirren - his co-star in the film version of The Tempest - he found the time to add: "She is so hot. There's something about her that drives me wild. She's so sexy and enchanting, just look at her form. They're going to have to hold me back when we start work. I'll be all over her. I don't know how I'll get any work done"... He then wriggled out of his pants, threw his head back and quoted Shelley for 45 minutes straight... That, of Russell performing in a play at London's Old Vic theatre, Oscar winning Kevin Spacey said: "I would never ask Russell Brand because he's just a f**king personality. That's not acting. He's not an actor"... That Cheryl Cole said: "I hate cotton wool. I went to the dentist the other day and he put it in my mouth and I felt violated for the whole day. I never use it, not for taking make-up off or anything. Even when I get my nails done they use tissues. Just the feel of it... it squeaks. Urgh. I can't bear it"... That school jumpers are just as bad, only they have the added bonus of smelling of dog when they come in contact with water... That a man pretending to be Rex Lee - Lloyd from Entourage - duped David Beckham into having drinks with him during Jermaine *ahems* Spewpri's birthday party in Chicago... A source said: "It wasn't the real Rex Lee and Becks brought him into the VIP area and spent the whole night drinking with him". That you can listen to Alicia Key's and Jack White's Bond tune effort here. That Amy Winehouse and Mark Ronson are looking pretty talented right about now... That Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have been "spotted in Neiman Marcus shopping for engagement rings"... That Kim Kardashian has been kicked off Dancing With The Stars... E! Online said: "Kim took the news like a champ, mentioning it was the fifth anniversary of her own father's death, and she was sure he'd be proud of her"... That the "concerned citizen" who called 999 on Heather Locklear used to work for US Weekly. That her name is Jill Ishkanian "who was under FBI investigation for hacking Us computers to locate celebrities"... According to TMZ: "after Ishkanian called 911, she called a paparazzi agency to give them the heads up Heather was about to be popped"... That Courtney Love's representative Alan Nierob "has now retracted Love's previous comments (regarding her late husband's stolen ashes), claiming Cobain's remains 'were never taken' and that the story of the burglary had been 'erroneously reported'... That this might piddle on Natascha Stellmach's parade just a tad... That Noel Gallagher said: "I'm 41 and I'm starting this whole new nocturnal adventure. And sometimes he wakes up in a totally different part of his home: One night, I got into bed with me missus and woke up on the middle floor of the house on the couch"... That George Clooney said: "I don't regret anything. With hindsight it's easy to look back at Batman and go, 'Woah! that was really s**t, and I was really bad in it'. The truth is, Batman is still the biggest break I ever had. It changed my career. I wouldn't be doing this now if it hadn't been for Batman"... That, of his Equus co-star Lorenzo Pisoni, Daniel Radcliffe said: "We're getting on very well indeed. I've written some really, really deeply sexual things on some of the cards I've given him for opening night. But just to wind him up, you know. He's great. He's a truly remarkable man. You know, if I was gay (???) or a female I'd, well, just want to marry him. He's gorgeous, and he's a really cool bloke as well. He's great"... That Deep Throat has been made into a musical...