All I Know Is That There Were Rumours...

That James Corden and Mathew Horne have been lined up to host next year's BRIT Awards... That they will do a marginally better job than The Osbournes... That the marriage contract Madonna had drawn up for herself and Guy two years ago included such clauses as: "You must never shout at your wife, but instead look in her the eye and state calmly 'I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this'", "We must devote time to our sexual expressiveness", and "not use sex as a stick to beat one another"... That, as a result, Guy felt "bound up like a kipper"... That Hewlett Packard have been forced to withdraw a song from their adverts as it was penned by Gary Glitter and he stood to get £100k in royalties... A computer giant using a convicted paedophile's song (Do You Wanna Touch Me) to advertise their wares - some things just write themselves... That, at the last minute, Alexander Armstrong has decided not to become the new host for Countdown... His sudden change of heart came after he hosted last week's Have I Got News For You and got "ribbed" about his possible new job - not that frightful moss green velvet jacket he chose to sport... That Bond Girl B, Gemma Arterton, said of one of her four scenes: "I was naked on the bed and they poured gunge all over me. I had to stay like that for three hours. I couldn't see and I could hardly breathe it was horrible. But it was worth it because I knew it would look amazing"... That, by "look amazing" she means "like a wet seal for the 5 seconds I happen to be in shot"... She should've asked an extra to do it as you can't tell the difference... That, in case you thought Jordan/Katie Price has taken her split personality to new levels of unity, she is in fact attempting to market her new range of hair curlers/straighteners... Meanwhile, her husband Peter is organising a solo transamerican road trip in a "bachelor motor" (that would be an oversized convertible)... That I'd flee too if my partner replaced their face with a mask... That, of John Mayer, Pink said: "I got into an argument with him. I don't believe him as much as he believes him. He said something along the lines of, 'I only s**g really stupid women.' And I said, 'I guess they would have to be.' I don't get him at all"... That, given her level of articulacy, Mayer was inviting Pink to straddle him... That Mark Ronson recently said: "I hadn't eaten all day, and I was starving. They were coming around with this bowl of brownies, and I grabbed three of them and just started scarfing them down... every lyric sounded like it was the Cookie Monster yelling in my ear, and I started feeling really sh*tty, but I had to play through the set. I couldn't just go up to Puffy and say, 'Sorry, I ate a f***-load of hash brownies, I can't do your White Party'"... That the latest thing brainless producers want to remake is Melrose Place... That 90210 has taught them nothing... That Bill Pullman's 19-year-old son, Jack, has been arrested in North Carolina on charges of "assault, underage drinking and possessing moonshine"... That, since Russell Brand's resignation, Jonathan Ross has been suspended for 3 months without pay, and BBC2 Radio Controller Lesley Douglas has resigned... that there's no end to this story's ridiculousness...