That today's earth-tremoring dollop of Rumours features a load of crap from the cretins gracing Cannes; the visual of Gwynnie grappling with Scarlett in a catsuit; Cameron Diaz doing the only member of Maroon Five you could pick out of a line up; A-Rod doing things to Kate Hudson in a back room; and Alec Baldwin's fathering skills...................... That you can see large glossy photos of Matt Lucas aping the Hairy Angel in tomorrow's Heat - if you hate your eyes... That Susan Boyle is far hairier than Lucas could ever hope to be - as am I, for that matter... That, of Boyle's BGT performance, Lucas said: "I thought she was really good. But I wouldn't say she was extraordinary. It was an extraordinary TV moment because she was such an unlikely heroine. It'll be interesting to see what happens to her"... That you'll also be able to read details about how Lucas plans to deprive himself of 1,000 calories a day... That Victoria Beckham owns approximately 100 Hermes Berkin bags: "Posh Spice's collection of the classic handbags, which sell for $6,000 and up, is 'perhaps worth $2 million'"... That Peter Andre's family are urging him to get back with Katie... That Peter Andre's family don't like him very much... That the guest list for Cannes is turning out to be almost as bad as that of Sundance, what with nonentities like Paris Hilton, Peaches Geldof, Tara Reid and Phoebe Price doing the rounds... That 32-year-old Steve Jones and 19-year-old Hayden Panettiere have taken their PDA parade from L.A. to Elton John's Cannes docked yacht... Paris is enthralling the press with how deftly she's trained Doug to anchor her while she undertakes 95 degree poses; subtly brings the name of the hotel she's staying at to worldwide attention; and her thoughts regarding Peter and Jordan's split ("I'm not sad, I don't know him. I know her, she's cute so hopefully she'll like being single"), while Peaches is lolling about on beach strewn beanbags while trying out her newly homogenised Anglo-American accent ("It was really strange. She was talking to friends and sounded totally different") ... Meanwhile, someone with actual purpose - Penelope Cruz - has come down with a mysterious bout of food poisoning and might have to forgo the red carpet for her film Broken Embraces tonight... That Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansson aren't enjoying each other's company on the set of Iron Man 2: "Gwyneth has become very frustrated with Scarlett. They come from different worlds and have completely different styles. Gwyneth has found Scarlett very demanding of the attention of the crew. It's not a happy set... Gwyneth and Scarlett have never been particularly close. Gwyneth was looking forward to working with Emily Blunt, who was originally in line for the part, but it ended up being Scarlett. Gwyneth's had to live with that and she has been very professional, but she and Scarlett haven't developed a friendship on the shoot, which is almost at the half way point. In fact, it's quite the opposite"... That Scarlett spends most of the film in painted on catsuits which don't have pockets for her array of guns, while Gwynnie gets to wear "prim business suits"... That, of her wedding to what looks like her butch sister, Cynthia Nixon said: "We're hoping to do it in New York. We're not going to wait forever, but we're hoping it's just around the corner. Sometime, l think, before the end of next summer, but we don't have a date"... That Cameron Diaz is dating Adam Levine of Maroon Five fame... Cameron might want to recall that Adam once publicly compared sex with Maria Sharapova to "doing a dead frog"... That Justin Timberlake said: "If I wouldn't have been lucky enough to have the profession I have, I probably would have gone through (comedy troupe/school) and tried to become a cast member on SNL. It really is an amazing forum to throw creativity at the world... I really do adore the writers and the cast. It's the best $5,000 you can make!"... That Alex Roderiguez is now dating Kate Hudson... She went to his baseball game last Friday evening and spent the remainder of the night "making out" with him in the back room of NYC's Mustang Grill on Second Avenue... That Alec Baldwin just can't shut up about Ireland: "I see why, in these films where they represent the Mayan culture or any tribal cuture or Hawaiian culture, they always throw the teenage girl into a volcano. They always say, oh, it's their hormones, and I really don't care. They should be sent to some kind of Chinese re-education camp in the mountains for five years"... Perhaps the now 13-year-old figures if you call her a "thoughtless little pig" she might as well act like one... That you can follow what other celebrities are up to in Caught Out...
