That Heat Magazine's cover story is about as newsworthy has Michael Jackson peeing into a cup... That it takes them three pages to state the obvious about Jordan: that she's using Alex to further her career; she'll get "preggy" ASAP; she'll sell the baby photos; earn a million before divorcing the poor cretin in two years time... Phase one, her book Katie and Alex: the Inside Story, will be released in March... That everyone (yours truly included) should take a leaf out of Lisa Simpson's book: turn their backs, humming 'Just don't look, just don't look'... That Amy is flying Blake over to Jamaica to "work with her"... That Jamie Hince is writing a play based on Kate Moss's life: "Jamie is addicted to playwriting and is always jotting down scenes. He mentioned an idea to Kate, based around the lives of her and her friends - and Kate leapt at the chance to get involved. The script is edgy, and could get a few celebs in trouble. Kate may have to tone things down"... Great, another play featuring over privileged sorts talking sh*te... That this is yet another venture to be backed by Topshop boss Philip Green... That I need to befriend a billionaire to back my yet to be penned play... That Anne Hathaway is self-aware: "I think I've got really weird features. I have very large features on a very small head (like a baby). But, you know, I'm not going to beat myself up. It's my face. I'm not very pretty. But that's OK because I do know that I look like myself, and I think at the end of the day, as nice as pretty is, authenticity is more important"... Somewhere, Heidi Montag is trying to cry... That Lady GaGa is collaborating with Britney: "Lady Gaga has made no secret of just how much of a Britney fan she is. She has even admitted she used to have posters of her on her wall and she was a great source of inspiration when she was a struggling songwriter. She was delighted when she found her dad chatting away to Britney at the party (I've no idea which one). He introduced them and the three of them were locked in conversation for ages. At the end of the chat, they exchanged numbers and agreed to go into the studio and work on music together as soon as Gaga finishes her tour"... That K-Fed's let himself go a tad... He's currently competeing on VHI's Celebrity Fit Club... That, come 2011, it will be safe to switch to E4 between the hours of 5pm and 9.00pm - for they are going to stop showing Friends... Head of Channel 4 acquisitions Gill Hay said: "After 15 years, ten hit series and 236 terrific episodes (shown REPEATEDLY) it's time to say goodbye to old Friends and welcome new ones, in the form of more comedy, drama and entertainment from the US and UK. We are incredibly proud to have been the home of Friends for so long, but at a point when the channel is undergoing a period of creative renewal it felt like the right time to part company"... That having an affair with a famous sports person pays off... That's great news for bundles of tanned mindless flesh worldwide... The New York Post reports: "Tiger Woods's mistress No. 1, Rachel Uchitel, has landed a TV job on Extra. Uchitel, who was interviewed last night by the show's Mario Lopez, 'so impressed producers that she's been offered a job as a special correspondent.' We're told she'll report for 'Extra' on nightlife 'hot spots.' She won't talk about Tiger, but she talks about how she wants to find a husband and have kids. She only has a few real friends left whom she trusts. She is alone a lot and spends time with her two dogs. She seems very vulnerable'... That ITV are forcing young girls to kiss each other again in the name of teatime viewing: "The Sun reports that Sophie Webster and mate Sian will get it on: "Sophie and Sian think they're just good friends but their feelings for each other have been growing. Things come to a head when [Sian's boyfriend] Ryan tries to kiss Sophie. Sian runs back to Sophie sobbing - and their emotions take over"... That doesn't make sense, then again things is Soap rarely do... You can see the tanned teens rub up against each other on April 9th if you so wish... That Captain Harris of Deadliest Catch fame has died... According the TMZ, the 53-year-old "was hospitalized a few weeks ago after suffering a stroke while unloading crabs. He had been doing better until the sudden turn." His kids Jake and Josh (not to be confused with Nickelodeon's Drake and Josh) issued this statement: "It is with great sadness that we say goodbye to our dad, Captain Phil Harris. Dad has always been a fighter and continued to be until the end. For us and the crew, he was someone who never backed down. We will remember and celebrate that strength. Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and prayers"...
