That, staying true to form, Ashley Cole will get away with shooting the intern with the air rifle: "Cole will escape prosecution for accidentally shooting a work experience student with an air gun at the Chelsea training ground. According to reports, police sources have said officers are 'highly unlikely' to pursue investigations any further after contacting the Premier League club. Tom Cowan, 21, who was on a one year work placement with the football club, was accidentally hit by a pellet from a .22 air gun brought into the training ground by Ashley on February 20 but the student has no plans to press charges. Surrey Police received no formal complaints despite the 30-year-old breaking club rules by bringing a gun into the training ground." When asked if Cole would be disciplined, you know, for flouting club rules and reckless endangerment, Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti said: "What do we have to do now - kill him?"... If that's what it takes, yes... That, in response to Elton John saying: "I'd rather have my cock bitten off by an Alsatian than watch the X Factor" (but I'll allow by back catalogue be used for one of the live shows), Simon Cowell said: "Well, look. This is somebody who charges what, a million dollars a private gig? Two million dollars, you know? I don't know whether he's concerned about himself - maybe he is. But they always bleat on that we're not giving other people a chance. And I always want to say to them, 'I tell you what, you just made a million dollars off your last private gig. Go and give it to a bunch of young musicians you care about, put them in the studio. Go and nurture them. Go and spend some time looking after them. Then I'll buy your argument.' They're only worried about themselves"... That, of feeling vindicated for beating the head off Rihanna that one time we know of, Chris Brown said: "At the end of the day. if I walk around apologizing to everybody, I'm gonna look like a damn fool." Nice... Of people not wanting to work with him for the past two years, he added: "You can't blame people for how they want to be portrayed or if they don’t want to be associated with somebody who had a particular mishap"... Someone needs to buy Brown a dictionary; 'mishap' doesn't cover that certain scenario... That beating women seems to be acceptable, after all, Mel Gibson accepted a plea deal yesterday which sees him skip jail time in favour of counselling, and Charlie Sheen only got fired after he insulted Chuck Lorre and Warner Bros... That Calvin Harris and Ke$ha are trying to remain relevant by swinging out of each other: "The 6ft 5in Scottish DJ got it on with the US star during a Rihanna gig in Australia, having earlier worked up the crowd as the Bajan star's support act. Calvin was still buzzing during Rihanna's Melbourne show while sitting with Ke$ha in the second row. So much so, they sneaked off half way through the set. A source (probably in The Sun's Bizarre team) said: 'They were all over each other and didn't care who was watching. Ke$ha is a bit of an animal but Calvin reckons he can handle her"...
