Headlines are funny things. They promise sordid details, yet just turn out to be a rehash of what you already know.

Let's take the gripping headline featured on the cover of today's Irish Daily Mirror for example: 'APPRENTICE HOUSE SEX ROMPS: Saucy TV Showdown Set to Rock Bill Cullen.' And that was where the details started and ended, really. According to one Maeve Quigley: "At least two of the housemates vying to be Bill Cullen's new employee get down to saucy business at the TV show house. But the hot and heavy sessions cause ructions when the romance moves from the bedroom to the boardroom on the hit TV3 show - and Bill loses his temper." I could go on, but you can tell where this is going. You watched it earlier this year on BBC1... the only differences being it's badly lit; the contestants can't make it through a sentence without the aid of a cliche crutch ("110%" of the time); if someone farts it's been sponsored by some corporation; and the thought of any of the contestants getting on down with each other in any capacity is mentally crippling. None of them are visually comparible to Kate Walsh or Philip Taylor.

To make the notion even more disturbing, The Star are reporting that Bill's right hand man, Brian (Lord, just take a razor to it already) Purcell, said (over a Barry White backing track): "That house is hot. They just get it on, this crowd. They are so funny. It's brought back into the boardroom so that's one thing people will be watching is one undercurrent of love. It's just like in times of crisis. Just like in World War Two, all in the underground - they got it on there. In times of crisis, it happens." Brian, you're causing a crisis in my brain. STOBBIT *heaves into nearby paper basket*

Here's a quick breeze through the contestants who stood out last night. For the rest of them, check out TV3.ie.

Aoife Madden (25. Galway): According to The Apprentice: You're Fired host, Brendan O'Connor, she's "hot". Last night's panelist Ger Keane agreed in a nauseating fashion. Blonde locks do wonders for a lady, take them away and you're quite possibly left with a wild-eyed, overprivileged woodland creature.
Geraldine O'Callaghan (26. Dublin): With a set of eyebrows on her to rival Jackie's, Geraldine's from inner city Dublin and shouldn't be trifled with. The only one, I'm guessing, who'll be foolish enough to take her on is the demented woodland creature.
Donal Proctor (30. Dublin): Mr. Proctor from Killiney SCO found himself in the boardroom last night, fighting for his place in the competition. Despite comparing his fellow male contestants to squabbling women (this caused Jackie to change her facial expression from disgruntled to very disgruntled); blinking far too rapidly to be considered normal; and lambasting the task team leader, Craig Butler, for not teaching him how to hold a selection of ice creams aloft, Donal has been given another chance - to make a eejit of himself on national television.
Setanta Landers (27. Kerry): Could take Donal comfortably in a blinking contest.
Lucinda Kelly (29. Dublin): Likes the sound of her own voice. Will irk Cullen.
Stephen Higgins (25. Galway): Russet locked, muscle bound Galwegian who, naturally, devised the name Cuchulain for the boys' team. Seems to get on Bill's baps a bit.
Ruth O'Dowd (30. Cavan): Readily took on the role of leader for team Platinum (AKA the lady team). Seems to have her sh*t together.
Breffny Morgan (23. Cork): How he managed to get into, never mind graduate from, Harvard is quite mesmerising. It bangs slightly of Ben Clarke's "I got a scholarship to Stanford." Breffny also found himself fighting for his place last night after being brought back into the boardroom by his TL Craig. How did Breffny defend his corner? He furrowed his brow a lot and generally resembled a startled schoolboy getting a right ticking off. Is the Irish equivalent of Brick Tamland.
Samantha Conroy (32. Dublin): Attractive but clearly deranged fame hungry sort, who'd jack in her job as a school teacher tomorrow if she was offered the role as Roxie Hart in the Knocklyon community center's production of Chicago. Should never be left in the vicinity of a megaphone again.
Craig Butler (25. Kildare): Little point talking about him really considering he's been fired. He seemed to have a head on his shoulders, just a shame it wasn't the best at getting its point audibly across.
Steve Rayner (30. Cork): This individual appears to be the only male candidate who truly has a bog as to what's going on. Funny that considering he's largely lived his life in England... In short, he made his fellow teammates look like a herd of bungling gobsheens.

As for The Apprentice: You're Fired... it's as if the powers that be were primarily concerned with getting a host bearing a physical likeness to Adrian Chiles. Is Brendan suitable for the role? Only time will tell. He'll have to come across with more quips in order to distract the viewer from the fact that the show is being shot in what sounds like a barn, with approximately 15 people in the audience (only 7 of which managed to get their mitts on bits of cardboard proclaiming 'HIRED'/'FIRED' ). He also might want to invite more of his panel to contribute, last night it seemed to be largely lad orientated - and after last year's contestant, Joanna Murphy, trussed herself up a treat. Maybe she just knocked into the barn on her way to the opera/some masked orgy, or something.

Line of the night: If memory serves, this came out of Donal's mouth - I just didn't think the task was "choreographered" that well.